Breaking the Norm

Sorry I didn’t post a poem yesterday. I was really busy with work and trying to get accounts set up with the bank for moving out in 5 days! In apology, I wrote a poem this morning once I got to work.

This one is inspired on my recent life events and how I came to terms with the thoughts that were/are driving me mad.

As for a bit of history, this is what happened. I dated a girl for 5 years. A very shy introvert, and we both worked at the same place. But anyway, I noticed about 6 months ago that we were getting more and more distant from each other for a while. so after 3 weeks of not talking to each other, I told her it was time for us to go our separate ways. There is more to it than that, but that’s all you’re getting hahaha.

I say it was a bad breakup, but it wasn’t really. It was hard on me as in the past I was always the one being broken up with not the one who does the breaking up. It has been hard on me the past couple months because I hate hurting people. I hate it more than anything.

So anyway, the day before I broke up with her, my best friend called me and told me she and her boyfriend had got engaged. (Problem #1:the person you are in a committed relationship with should be your best friend in my humble opinion. She wasn’t.) I was around the 3rd person they told and it made me feel very very happy. It made me feel like I belonged somewhere, something I had been struggling with my entire life. It was the event that inspired the feelings and emotions that allowed me to write poetry again. If it wasn’t for them, this blog wouldn’t exist. (Their names may never appear here unless they allow me to post the poem I wrote for them.) So anyway, my best friend who got engaged is going to be my roommate as of October 1st. Her fiance is okay with it as he is one of my best friends as well (I’m one of his groomsmen), and they both know I would rather kill myself than do anything that could harm their relationship, and just knowing that I am a part of their lives is one of the most important things in my life.

So after my breakup I went through this month-long “funk”. Where I felt depressed, I had trouble getting work done etc. and then it hit me.

I didn’t miss her, I missed having the security of being in a committed relationship. The feeling of not being under the pressure that society puts on all people to be in a committed relationship. Once I realized that, it became a lot easier to deal with.

So anyway, long story short, bad breakup, best friend engaged, moving out on the 1st of October. Have a poem!

Echoes of my past are ringing bells,
Church bells, in my ears.
It’s loud. It’s annoying,
But I need it.

It’s telling me the should haves
It should be silenced by the could haves
Or even drowned out by the would haves
But it’s not. It’s loud.

Its telling me “look back”
Decisions made awry,
People hurt and left for crows,
Hundreds of doors unopened.

I wish they weren’t so loud,
I’m still moving forward right?
So if I’m moving forward,
Why am I still looking at my past?

We learn from our mistakes,
Or so we all are taught.
But in order to learn from them,
One must take responsibility for them.

I know I’ve made mistakes,
I’ve tossed pennies in the well,
But how do you learn from mistakes,
You don’t ever remember making?

Nothing I can do but wait.
Wait for the toll of past mistakes,
Wait for the future to come,
and wait for another door to open.

©Alex Hicks

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