This Loneliness is Painful

So…sitting at my desk when the sheet for the companies annual Christmas bash came around. The signup sheet had a place for my name and a place for a guest.

Realizing that there was no one I could bring, it hit me. I’m pretty sure this feeling of loneliness peaked at that moment. I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve hit rock bottom and I don’t know if I’m able to climb out…

9 thoughts on “This Loneliness is Painful

  1. My first two company Christmas parties I went to I went by myself. The last one I went with my boyfriend.

    The last one was fun because I had my boyfriend with me and I like spending time with him. But the first two were just as fun! I got to eat tasty food for free and drink and hang out with friends from work. The only person I had to worry about entertaining was myself. When I went to the most recent I had to worry “Is he having a good time” and things like that.

    This is what I mean by you need to NEED TO get to a place where you are comfortable being alone. It does not mean that you need to be alone forever. That is not what I mean at all. But right now it seems like you feel like you need a partner to complete you. You need to get to a place where you are complete on your own. So then when you find someone you have a piece of yourself you can give them and they can give you a piece of themselves. You will both still be whole people. If you are wanting them to complete you then you are going to be taking from them without anything to give back.

    It is okay to be lonely and it is okay to be sad. I am not trying to invalidate your feelings. But you can’t just wallow in these feelings without trying to do something to pull yourself out of it.

    1. Also you have only been single for 3-4 months. You are still adjusting. It makes sense that you would feel lonely after getting out of a relationship that was as long as your previous one. For the majority of your adult life you have been in a relationship. So don’t feel bad that you feel lonely because that is not what I mean.

      1. I know that, and I keep telling myself that and at first it helped. Now it doesn’t help at all. I wish it did help I really do.

        I feel like I’ve reached my limit though. I don’t think I can handle these thoughts anymore. I can’t keep anymore bottled up.

    2. I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying everything I know how to do. I’ve been doing things I did when I was happy all the time. But I always end up back where I started.

      But you are right, that is how I feel right now in a way. I really just wish I knew someone who I could talk to about anything. Which is something I don’t have right now.

      I’m trying to get in touch with old friends and find new ones but I’m not having any luck in either department. It’s a wrenching feeling. A feeling of inadequacy, loneliness, desperation, and I’m tired of feeling it. It feels like I’m going to be alone forever. I know it’s not true, but it feels that way and I hate myself for it because I know that these feelings have no foundations in reality. I have a good job, great friends (despite how few they are) and supportive family.

      Right now the only way I’m comfortable being alone is if I have something like TV or games to distract me, and even those don’t work sometimes.

      I told my brother I would help him as best I could with his depression, and I think it’s forcing me to come to terms with my own emotions and I have no idea what to do now.

      I’m tired of feeling sad all the time, I’m tired of the depression, and I’m tired of the feeling that everyone is looking down on me because I isolate myself.

      I am a good person, and I have friends and family who, I know, all care about me. Yet it still feels like I can’t talk to anyone because I don’t want anyone to worry about me.

      I don’t have friends at work. I’m going to the Christmas party because I want to fit in at the office. I doubt it will work, but I have to try…

  2. Go for the free food, make a little small talk and if you become bored or uncomfortable then go home.

    Imagine you have cancer. Would you expect to hate yourself for it and try to fix it yourself. No you would go to the doctor and get a hold of the right resources to get the help you need. Imagine if your family found out you had secretly been trying to manage your cancer symptoms by trying to will it away.

    Mental health is hard because most people still don’t understand it. People expect people who are depressed to cheer up and snap out of it yet they would never say the same thing to someone who was diabetic or had Parkinson’s or something.

    You do not need to feel shame for feeling the way you do.

  3. I know I don’t need to and yet I still do.

    I don’t want to be on medication for it. Medication is a temporary solution. I know medication isn’t the only solution to my problem, but I’m not sure if I can afford to get a therapist.

    1. Getting treatment for mental health doesn’t have to mean medication. It can also mean talking to someone who can help you figure out things. You don’t know until you look into it. Some therapists are covered by msi I think and you might even have coverage with your job.

      I sent you a fb message.

      1. Thank you. I looked at it on my phone but it’s harder for me to browse the internet with it so I’ll check out those links when I get home.

        Thank you.

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