Monday Update #2: Step Back

Updates are going to be up on Mondays now.

So on Friday, something happened to me. I posted about it when it happened, then when I got home, I had a breakdown. Tears and everything. I woke up in the fetal position under my desk. I have never cried like that before.

I realized that for the past number of years, I have been having difficulty feeling any emotions except sadness. The last time I was actually happy was when I got the phone call from my best friend (now roommate) that she and her (then) boyfriend had gotten engaged. That was the last time I had felt truly happy for anything. The mask I wear every day went from showing happiness to showing nothing and I started to wear it 24/7. It’s time for me to remove the mask and tear down the walls I’ve been building around myself. I need to let people in.

So anyway, I realized then that the amount of pain I am in all the time is not okay. It is not something I can live with and just ignore until it goes away. It was then that I decided that I am willing to do anything to get my life back on track. anything.

That is why I need to put a couple things on hold for the time being.

  • First, I’m afraid I have to put my “365 Days of Poetry” on hold. I need to focus on rebuilding my life. Getting everything back the way it was is going to take some time. I’m sitting at the bottom of a well and in order for me to build a ladder to climb out again, I need to switch my focus.
  • Second, My “Secret” poem project that I’ve been working on is also on hold. It is a project I’ve been working on for a few weeks in which I write 10 very good poems and submit them to a publishing company in the hopes to get them published. I’ve had a few followers volunteering to help me with proof reading and editing and I thank them from the bottom of my heart but this project also needs to go on hold. I have sent an e-mail to those people.

It’s times like these that I am the most thankful for having the few friends that live around me who are willing to put up with me in depressing times and who won’t look down on me for being depressed. I owe my life to those few people and they know who they are.

I am currently looking for a good therapist as I discovered I am 100% covered by my insurance for therapy sessions up to $500.00CAD per calendar year but while I look for one that won’t push medication as a primary solution, I am also taking a few steps to try and better myself as a person.

  • I’m learning how to cook. My mother game me a beginners cook book, and I’m reading it cover to cover. I want to learn how to cook better than I can now so that I can hopefully start doing things for myself without having to feel like it was pointless.
  • I’m getting in contact with old friends whom I haven’t spoken to in over a year. I believe having a social life will be a big help in rebuilding my self esteem.
  • I’m trying to make new friends. I’m trying to make new friends through any connection I can.

If you have any other suggestions for building self esteem, let me know. Any help is greatly appreciated.

I will still be writing poetry, but I won’t be writing every day. I’m doing this because it is difficult for me to write when I have no emotion to put into my writing. When I write now it will not be because I have to; it will be because I want to. Everything I write will be a bearing of my emotions and deepest thoughts. Some of them will be written in despair and/or depression and some will be happy or even motivational. But I won’t be writing arbitrarily anymore. At least not for a while anyway.

I realized that for the past number of years, I have been having difficulty feeling any emotions except sadness. The last time I was actually happy was when I got the phone call from my best friend (now roommate) that she and her (then) boyfriend had gotten engaged. That was the last time I had felt truly happy for anything. The mask I wear every day went from showing happiness to showing nothing and I started to wear it 24/7. It’s time for me to remove the mask and tear down the walls I’ve been building around myself. I need to let people in. It’s not going to be easy and it’s going to take some time but I will do it.
 



 
Last week’s poems:
Monday, November 5th, 2012:

Wednesday, November 7th, 2012:

 


Again, sorry for not writing much last week.


 
And that’s it for this Monday update. Thanks for reading.

-A.H.

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