It wasn’t such a long time ago
That I was deep in my own version of hell
I pushed everyone away
I wore armor made of jokes and sarcasm
I pretended to be having fun
When i was secretly fostering hate
for everyone and everything around me
And openly fostering hate for myself.
It’s not a pleseant feeling,
Feeling that there’s something there
Or rather that there is nothing there
Where there should be something.
Something to fill the hole in ones heart
where love had once stood
But had been ripped out of you
Over the span of five years
Ripped out of you
By someone who you wanted to care about
Who wanted you to care
And at the end of it all
When I ended it
I felt nothing
You had made me numb
Dulled the senses
Numbed the pain
Removed the part of me that could love.
But over time I got it back
I built up walls to keep people away
So I could heal
So my heart could heal
And it did.
Sure I still foster that hate sometimes
It’s a remnant of my past
A remnant of those memories
And sure, when that feeling arises
I worry that I’ll loose control
That my mind will go where that place in my heart went
She comforts me…
She speaks softly to me…
And everything is okay.
The hate in my mind stops hating and just listens
It laughs with me when she tells a joke
And it stares with me when I stare
The voice that calms the savage beast.
So sure, I worry about that hate
But never while I’m with her.
©2013 Alex Hicks