A Window to My Conscience – Entry I

I’m going to do a series of posts that won’t be poems. A sort of writing project. A series of thoughts. And I’m inviting all of you to take a look in my brain and take from it what you will. I don’t know how many parts this will be, but this is the first one.


Two weeks ago…my girlfriend ex-girlfriend broke up with me. Initially, I said we broke up, that it was a mutual decision. I’ve read articles on how to get through a breakup, and now I realize that it wasn’t mutual. She broke up with me, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can change myself and move on.

Moving on…

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Some of my friends suggested trying to get her back…to chase after her. I won’t do that though.

Why?

Because. Because, I want to move on more than I want her back. These past two weeks I’ve felt my heart pulling me to chase her, and my mind knocking me on my ass. One pulls one way, the other pulls another. Tearing me apart. Clean in two.

And it hurt.

It hurt like hell.

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But I want to move on.

Work has been a nice break…a break from the emotions, from the pain of the loss, from my heart and brain splitting me down the middle…a nice break…a clean break.

But it made me think. We are all so busy in our lives, jobs and paychecks and money, that we forget what we really need to be happy…we forget about love and about friendship and self worth.
busy living life

I have to look back. Before I was old enough to be interested in girls. Back when girls were “gross”. I didn’t hate myself then, not like I do now. I was confident, and full of myself. Foolish, and filled with pride. Then I grew up, and the world changed.

School said they could teach it, Parents said they had lived it, but I knew kids that had more happen in their lives than my parents ever did in theirs. So had they really lived real life? The answer is no. No one has lived my life, and no one but me ever will.

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Love is one of those things that no one can live without. Everyone has to have it in some way or another. Whether it is from themselves or if it is from someone else, everyone needs love.

In one way or another…

And 2 weeks ago when She broke up with me, I felt like that was gone. People keep asking me if I’m okay and I say I’m fine. I’m better than before but I’m not okay; not yet anyway.

“I can handle this” means “please help me” and no one seems to notice. So I drown myself in my work. The only thing that keeps me sane, keeps me safe from the call of the void.

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Oh trust me, if I could save myself from drowning, I would; but right now I can’t. right now I’m drowning in this ocean of emotions and I can’t even see the water. I’m too caught up in staring at the darkness in my own heart…the darkness that’s taking the place where love had once filled. The hole that people look through and see their own monsters.

Ambitions drowned by fears, love replaced by darkness, happiness and its twisted smile. Its treacherous grin.

I know that right now, I’m not okay. Right now the dark surrounds me. But it won’t be there forever…it can’t be there forever. Until the day when the light returns to where love once sat in my heart, the place where darkness right now sits, I’ll keep running.

Running from the emotions, running from the monsters, running from the darkness, running from the pain and running from myself.

Running from myself.

empty bed

But I know I will be okay. Some days are harder than others, and some days I’m filled with energy and life. Someday, I’ll escape the feeling of emptiness and truly move on with my life, and when that day comes, I’ll be ready for a relationship.

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