Happiness Comes to Those Who Wait

I’m broken
Shattered glass in a picture frame
But the pieces are all still there
Sitting
Cracked
In the frame.
And I keep lying to myself saying I’m not depressed
That I’m not anxious or lonely
 
“Happiness comes to those who wait.”
What bullshit. I’ve worked for happiness
I’ve worked to make my life okay
To make myself okay
But it never works
My heart beats to the sound
of a broken drum
It’s sound so lifeless
So quiet, so broken
 
But every single day I manage to hide it
Every single day I manage to lie
And I hate myself for it
But I can’t show weakness anymore
Because the world is a dangerous place
And to show weakness is to admit defeat
 
But what if, just what if,
What if Weakness is all I have left to show?
 
©2014 Alex Hicks

Hail To The King

Hail to the King

Hail to the ruling king
The torturous flaming blazes sing
The fall of truth to royalty
Be true and show your loyalty

Hail to the ruling king
Murderous betrayers bring
The dogs of war let lose en mass
Resistance strong but not to last

Hail to the ruling king
On your knees and kiss his ring
You can climb but he sits higher
Serve him true or face the fire

Hail to the ruling king
The war and famine he will bring
His people starved, begin to fade
He’s chased them all into the grave

Hail to the ‘ruling’ king
Not ruling over anything
His people lost, dead and gone
Yet won’t admit that he was wrong.

Hail to the foolish king
Devils dance and angels sing
As he falls from his golden throne
He’ll watch the flames consume his home

©2014 Alex Hicks

A Window to My Conscience – Entry I

I’m going to do a series of posts that won’t be poems. A sort of writing project. A series of thoughts. And I’m inviting all of you to take a look in my brain and take from it what you will. I don’t know how many parts this will be, but this is the first one.


Two weeks ago…my girlfriend ex-girlfriend broke up with me. Initially, I said we broke up, that it was a mutual decision. I’ve read articles on how to get through a breakup, and now I realize that it wasn’t mutual. She broke up with me, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can change myself and move on.

Moving on…

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Some of my friends suggested trying to get her back…to chase after her. I won’t do that though.

Why?

Because. Because, I want to move on more than I want her back. These past two weeks I’ve felt my heart pulling me to chase her, and my mind knocking me on my ass. One pulls one way, the other pulls another. Tearing me apart. Clean in two.

And it hurt.

It hurt like hell.

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But I want to move on.

Work has been a nice break…a break from the emotions, from the pain of the loss, from my heart and brain splitting me down the middle…a nice break…a clean break.

But it made me think. We are all so busy in our lives, jobs and paychecks and money, that we forget what we really need to be happy…we forget about love and about friendship and self worth.
busy living life

I have to look back. Before I was old enough to be interested in girls. Back when girls were “gross”. I didn’t hate myself then, not like I do now. I was confident, and full of myself. Foolish, and filled with pride. Then I grew up, and the world changed.

School said they could teach it, Parents said they had lived it, but I knew kids that had more happen in their lives than my parents ever did in theirs. So had they really lived real life? The answer is no. No one has lived my life, and no one but me ever will.

!3_TTT_Growing_Up

Love is one of those things that no one can live without. Everyone has to have it in some way or another. Whether it is from themselves or if it is from someone else, everyone needs love.

In one way or another…

And 2 weeks ago when She broke up with me, I felt like that was gone. People keep asking me if I’m okay and I say I’m fine. I’m better than before but I’m not okay; not yet anyway.

“I can handle this” means “please help me” and no one seems to notice. So I drown myself in my work. The only thing that keeps me sane, keeps me safe from the call of the void.

darkoceansunset

Oh trust me, if I could save myself from drowning, I would; but right now I can’t. right now I’m drowning in this ocean of emotions and I can’t even see the water. I’m too caught up in staring at the darkness in my own heart…the darkness that’s taking the place where love had once filled. The hole that people look through and see their own monsters.

Ambitions drowned by fears, love replaced by darkness, happiness and its twisted smile. Its treacherous grin.

I know that right now, I’m not okay. Right now the dark surrounds me. But it won’t be there forever…it can’t be there forever. Until the day when the light returns to where love once sat in my heart, the place where darkness right now sits, I’ll keep running.

Running from the emotions, running from the monsters, running from the darkness, running from the pain and running from myself.

Running from myself.

empty bed

But I know I will be okay. Some days are harder than others, and some days I’m filled with energy and life. Someday, I’ll escape the feeling of emptiness and truly move on with my life, and when that day comes, I’ll be ready for a relationship.

The Walls I Know So Well

So yesterday, me and my girlfriend broke up. It was on good terms and we are still “friends” but it still hurts. I thought I loved this girl, but I put too much of myself into a relationship that was only 3.5 months old. I was smothering her on top of everything she had to focus on with school and her family…I understood everything…It made sense…
 
But it still hurts…
 

 
I keep saying I could have fixed things
But I don’t think that I’d be able
I became far too reliant
On the feelings I’d enabled.
 
I expected her to care for me
So much more than what she did
After such a short relationship
I couldn’t handle what she hid
 
I let fall all my defenses
The walls I took so long to build
And now that I’m alone again
With loneliness I’m filled.
 
So now it’s time to step back
And rebuild the walls I fell
To shut out all the darkness
That I know so very well
 
So I will sit alone for now
And build up my hardened shell
I’ll rebuild what I let fall
The walls I know so well.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

I Need a Superhero

Break in case of emergency
 
I need a superhero
To beat away the dark
To show me what the truth is
And tell me where to start
 
I need a superhero
To guide my falling star
To help me realize that this evil
Isn’t all we are.
 
I need a superhero
To pull me from my past
To ease the torments of my mind
And let me sleep at last.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

The Tragedy of Unanswered Letters – A Duet

This one was written by myself and my good friend Shruti over at A Shade of Pen. She is a wonderful poet and we had so much fun writing this one. Be sure to go over to her blog and follow her!

It’s been endless years since I wrote to you
It’s been forever since I waited for your reply
And yet, every day when the sun rises;
My eyes gleam with the hope to hear from you
And yet, every night when the moon glitters
A silent tear slowly escapes as I still wait
 
The tears of the lonely show life in its glory
An eternity alone, a devastating story
At the surface it may appear that we’re gone
But we’ve been silently waiting here all along
On the surface you may see what you will
But deep underneath the tears eat their fill
 
The heart though broken sings a song
Despite the wait, it hungrily longs
To belong to the one for whom it still beats
And yet Destiny plays foul and doesn’t permits
Two long lost lovers to unite again
As each suffers silently in unfulfilled love’s lane
 
To rise above passion and beauty skin deep
And transcend differences and secrets they keep
Reaching forever for one combined goal
Sticking together, two halves of a whole
A fixture of time, steadfast it remains
Love breaks down borders and releases the pain.
 
As love oozes and flows from the heart
The broken shards hope of a new start
Hopes swell up and dash again
The heart hopes but in vain
Although, no letters reach her ever
Yet, her heart silently whispers.. Never say never
 
Whispering quietly in the dark
Her words to never reach their mark
Her tears fall silently and remain unseen
Never to be noticed by loves tragic scene
A complex and twisted tragedy
Of simple unrespected majesty
 
With love, longing, memories and pain
She still stands strong in this lane
A little part of her breaks everyday
And today, still and silent she lays
The unfulfilled longings of love finally made her die
Her body crumbles as there is no one to cry
A tragedy, a death; yet love shines
’cause separated in life, but upon death they unite
 
Life eternal without pain
Brings more suffering in vain
And living life without love to hold
Does force the hand of life to fold
And tears shed over something lost
Are far from a price that’s worth the cost
For life is a game of give and take
And love requires both to make.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks and Shruti (A Shade of Pen)

Superhero

Last year I read a poem that ended with something along the lines of:
“But no one seems to notice
When a superhero sheds a tear.”
I can’t find that poem for the life of me now so if you have it I desperately want it for my collection.

This poem is inspired by that one.

Enjoy!


INVISIBLE-GIRL
 
She walks the streets in sunlight
And no one really knows
The side of her that’s secret
The one she never shows.
 
She’s the invisible girl
And she’s always there to help
Purse snatcher, bank robbers
She’s not good for their health
 
She’ll save your falling child
Or thwart a robbers plan
She’ll save the day and vanish
As fast as she possibly can
 
But when it’s time for sunrise
She’ll be normal once again
A normal lonely girl
Waiting for the day to end
 
She lives in her apartment
Run down and full of mice
Living off of nothing
But water and some rice
 
She’s the invisible girl
Living in pain and fear
Because nobody will notice
When a superhero sheds a tear.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

Dark Sleep (Part 2)

Part 2 guys and gals, this contains blood and death. You’ve been warned.
 

 
So last night you made a plan
That if you cannot have her hand
None will have her in their bed
None can have that which is dead
 
So you drive to her nightly corner
Wondering if anyone will mourn her
She gets in with a polite smile
Looks at you “it’s been a while”
 
You nod at her and smile back
eleven pm, right on track
Back to your place and through the door
Soon enough you’ll love her no more
 
She strips her clothes and on the bed
On your pillow she rests her head
You get in and lie with her
You know now this is for sure
 
You pretend to sleep and she gets up
In the bathroom grabs a cup
In the mirror there you stand
Right behind her, knife in hand
 
She tries to scream but you’re too fast
and her next breath will be her last
The knife sinks in and tears are shed
She doesn’t know why you want her dead
 
You lean in and whisper clear
I just wanted you my dear
You told me there was never a chance
You made up your mind without a glance
 
Her body drops and in something drops
A small and square red velvet box
You pick it up and look inside
And suddenly it’s you who’se died
 
Inside the box there sat a ring
A simple small engagement ring
And folded small a little note
And within it she had wrote:
 
“I’m giving this small ring to you
and here’s what I want you to do:
take me to dinner, someplace fine
And order us a bottle of wine;
 
Put the ring there in my glass
and when I drink, on one knee ask
If I will be thy wedded wife
From now until the end of life.
 
I’ll say yes, and then for sure
I will be a whore no more
I will be your beautiful bride
And forever we’ll be filled with pride.”
 
You take the knife, eyes filled with tears
You’ve realized your biggest fear
It’s not being alone as it were
It’s living your life without her
 
Your steady the knife at your own heart
And look at her as all goes dark
And plunge the knife into your chest
And finally you both may rest
 
A story told through simple rhyme
Cannot condone a passion crime
So the old phrase remains strong and tall
Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

(11/03/2013) Walking


 
Left foot
Can you hear me
Right foot
Walking still
Left foot
I will be there
Right foot
Yes I will
Left foot
I’m just walking
Right foot
Step by step
Left foot
I know I’ll keep walking
Right foot
With or without your help.
Left Foot
Every foot-fall
Right foot
Takes me closer to the end
Left foot
I may have time for walking
Right foot
But I don’t have time to pretend
Left foot
That every single step I take
Right foot
Helps me to proceed
Left foot
I sometimes step in quicksand
Right foot
Sometimes I lose my lead
Left foot
But I just keep on walking
Right foot
I’ll keep on walking strong
Left foot
Someday I’ll find my destination
Right foot
Until then, I walk on.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

A Toast to the Forgotten

5 person toast
 
I guess things are different now
I don’t know if I know how
 
To find a path all on my own
Or even if I have a home
 
My story’s shorter than that of most
But I’ll raise my glass, propose a toast.
 
To those like me who can’t be found
And those who look, always around.
 
To life-like spirits who walk beside
To the emotions we all keep inside
 
For those who try but can’t succeed
For those who walk but won’t proceed
 
To those who are locked in their mind
To those of us who walk behind
 
For those of you who fall off track
For those of you who won’t look back
 
To those of you who live the life
To those of you who throw the dice
 
And if you feel you have no home
I toast to you, you’re not alone.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks