To Be Consumed…

Some people know me as the one who says sorry too much
Apologizing for the sake of apologizing, because I’m sorry
but I can’t be the person you want me to be
I can’t be the one that follows you around and makes you feel safe
because I don’t always feel safe.

That’s not to say that I don’t want you to feel safe around me
Because I do.

But I can’t give someone something that I don’t myself have
I can’t securely give you security while I’m insecure
in the thought that I have what I need, that I’m living how I want, how I need.

I have needs too, and I’ve been frowned on and looked down on
and stepped on by those who wanted to get ahead of me
but I don’t hate them. I respect them.

Because they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want in life
even if that means losing friends.
And maybe that’s because they have.
Maybe it’s because they’ve been hurt in the past and they,
they don’t let anyone in anymore because they’re afraid.

Afraid of being hurt again so they reach.
They reach for the only thing they have left to reach for.
And they can’t afford to stop to let someone in while on the way there.
or maybe, maybe they just won’t let anything hold them down.

but there’s a fatal flaw.
Whether you’ve been hurt in the past, or if you don’t want anyone to hold you down.
You’re still acting out of fear.

Fear of letting someone in.
Fear of being hurt again.
Fear of someone holding you down.

But trust me…I’ve seen these things before. Been on the outside looking in.

Been part of the audience at the circus of freaks.
But I’ve also been on stage.
I’ve been the main attraction.

The lion tamer, the bearded lady, the strong man.
The don’t hold a candle to me.

Because I’ve been consumed by fears.
I’ve watched it devour everything…
everyone…
I’ve ever loved.

Then I watched it’s gaping jaws descend on me
And I’ve watched as my life was consumed by it.

The fear.

And I won’t let it consume anymore.

©2015 Alexander J Hicks

Arid Waters

Drink of the water of the sleepless.
The water which within itself tastes dry.

A thirst that cannot be quenched
but by the bourbon of another’s thoughts;
by the whiskey of another’s dreams

Getting drunk on thoughts and dreams
does naught but catch the mind
in nets like spiders webs.
Made of the lines
that once formed letters,
that once formed words,
that once formed thoughts.

Twisted, tangled, messy and chaotic;
the web of strings of letters and words
touches me like one would touch a lover.

A soft caress – a gentle kiss.

And the senselessness of twisted words
becomes clear within the passionate embrace.

In chaos there is order;
In madness there is sanity.
And drinking of another’s thoughts –
tasting of another’s dreams –

Is getting drunk from an arid well.

©2015 Alex Hicks

Serene

Show me someone standing strong
Strained against the shame and sorrow
not slighted by the silent song.
Show me someone stronger still
Steadiness and iron will
A stormless serene symbol
of the smashed and shattered souls

©2015 Alex Hicks

Sometimes…

Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Stories of the ones who faded away
The greats, the quiet, the secluded, alone
The fondness for them that we’ve grown
 
Sometimes…
 
Sometimes the end is all that we can see
And sometimes it’s not as bright as it could be
But we push on because it’s all we know
No matter how bleak, to the darkness we go
 
Sometimes…
 
Sometimes all we hear is the sound of defeat
Wherever we go, whoever we may meet
It rings and we ignore it, push it back in our mind
But always it is there, always it’s inside
 
Sometimes…
 
Sometimes we just want to quit
Life’s too hard, the grind, the grit
But someone’s there to hold you up
To hold your hand, someone to trust
 
Sometimes…
 
But sometimes, there’s no one there
At rock bottom, alone in stale air
When you hit rock bottom, you learn fast
That just when you land, rock bottom hits back.
 
Sometimes…
 
Sometimes…I just want to let the darkness win.
 
©2014 Alexander Hicks

(13/01/2013) Silence

 
Don’t speak, just listen
To the sound of broken hearts
The deafening silence
When the greatest of pain starts.
 
Pages upon pages
Of unspoken words
Soaring high above
Like paradise birds.
 
They will not decend
To this broken place
To the horizon they will fly
Until they’re gone without a trace
 
Speak not to the skys
Nor to the broken ground
Don’t speak, Just listen
to the silence in the sound.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

(04/01/2013) Broken Memories

So for today’s poem I decided to write in a form I’ve never used before. The form for this one is the Kyrielle Sonnet. You can read more about it by clicking on it. I won’t bore you before the poem so read on…

 

 
A sea of broken memories
Like shattered glass they come to me
The photographs that I’ve seen fall
Fragmented pictures on the wall.
 
If nothing else they bring to life
The better times when things were nice
Over again I hear them call
Fragmented pictures on the wall.
 
And when it’s time for me to die
I don’t want anyone to cry
The better times should be recalled
Fragmented pictures on the wall.
 
A sea of broken memories
Fragmented pictures on the wall.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

The Lost Ones

Slow day at work so I have lots of time for reading and writing. You can probably expect more poems today 😛
 

I stand surrounded by trees
The forest whispering secrets
For me and me alone
Telling me stories
Stories of the happiness they’ve seen
The sorrow they’ve witnessed
And stories of the ones who are lost.
Like me.
 
I stand high on a cliff
Overlooking the raging sea
The wind screaming my name
Telling me stories of its travels
The world it has seen
The ships it has guided
and telling me of the ones who are lost.
Like me.
 
I stand in the middle of a field
Knee-high grass as far as I can see
Moon telling stories
of trips around the world
Crickets basking in its calming glow
Telling me about the stars
And telling me of the ones who are lost
Like me.
 
I am nothing more
than a shoulder to cry on
A totem of solitude
A fly on the wall
I am nothing more than a lighthouse
A lighthouse for those who are lost.
Like me.
 
©2012 Alex Hicks