Hi everybody! First, let me say, WOW!. 282 Followers. More than I thought I’d ever have.
Of course, 50 was more than I thought I’d ever have.
Thank you to everyone who follows me and comments and reblogs and shares my work around the interwebs. It means so much to me that people want to read what I write. I could not thank you all enough 🙂
Last week, Time became the most liked poem I’ve posted at 49 likes as of 10/06/2013 at 7:45am ADT. Thanks so much guys and gals!
On to the update!
Some big changes are ahead for me in the coming months. Not so much on this blog, aside from hoping to be able to write more, but in real life.
I’ve been going to a psychologist for the past few months and after our very last session on friday, I came to the sudden realization that if I want to do what I dream of doing in my life, I need to get off my ass and start doing something and not just talk about it; so I’m doing something about it.
In a couple days I’m going to get my beginners drivers license and book my road test. I’m looking for a One-Bedroom or Bachelor Apartment not far from work as to give me quite a bit more free time, as well as looking into some dating websites because I think I’m finally ready to be in a relationship again. I’ve also been looking at getting a new car; but that all hinges on me getting my license. I’ve already failed the road test once so I should be able to ace it this time right?
Anyway, that’s it for this update, I’ll post a couple poems in a bit, and I’ll give you guys another update next monday!
So it’s been 4 days since I posted a poem. I have a reason! I was very sick on Thursday, and had a slight case of insomnia Wednesday and Thursday nights. I was also very busy on the weekend. I did write those days, I just didn’t post. So, today, I’m going to post everything I wrote!
Just a quick update, pretty busy here at work this week. Friday is my last day before my christmas holidays and during that time I’ll be getting my 365 Days of Poetry page caught up.
I have been writing every day, I’ve just been hard pressed to find the time to post everything. LOL.
I’ll be posting a christmas poem when I get home from work, look foreward to it!
Also, I’ve won a Bloggie’s Award! I’m super excited! Words cannot express how awesome this feels lol.
Anywho, back to work. Ta ta for now!
without a sound;
I stand here on my own.
I look around,
at what I’ve found,
and I am not alone.
I have trust,
and if I must,
I’ll give it where it’s due,
and just as rust,
is simply crushed,
I know what I must do.
At any cost,
it must be tossed,
into the dark abyss.
I’m not lost,
not to be crossed,
not to be remiss.
And while it’s true,
I stare on through,
and feel naught but shame and guilt,
I must do,
what I set out to,
and tear down the walls I’ve built.
To make a stand;
I know I can;
to revive that which I’ve killed.
This is my plan;
my pain is banned;
clean up the glass I’ve spilled.
©2012 Alex Hicks
So, I’ve been absent for a while. The past couple weeks have been life altering for me so here, beneath my most recent poem, I will give you some updates.
- My doctor thinks I’m going through some sort of adjustment phase after moving out of my parents house; a sort of social anxiety; instead of depression. It makes sense. She sent me for bloodwork just in case.
- Work has been picking up finally. I don’t have to spend full days sitting around doing nothing anymore. Usually it’s about half-a-day doing nothing now.
Not much else to say here, I mean it’s only been a week right?
With that I have news. I’ll be resuming my 365 Days of Poetry starting with this poem today. As stated in an earlier post: every day missed will add a day to the end goal. So, as I have missed 13 Days; I will be writing every day until October 31st, 2013! Halloween next year! Great! 🙂
Updates are going to be up on Mondays now.
So on Friday, something happened to me. I posted about it when it happened, then when I got home, I had a breakdown. Tears and everything. I woke up in the fetal position under my desk. I have never cried like that before.
I realized that for the past number of years, I have been having difficulty feeling any emotions except sadness. The last time I was actually happy was when I got the phone call from my best friend (now roommate) that she and her (then) boyfriend had gotten engaged. That was the last time I had felt truly happy for anything. The mask I wear every day went from showing happiness to showing nothing and I started to wear it 24/7. It’s time for me to remove the mask and tear down the walls I’ve been building around myself. I need to let people in.
So anyway, I realized then that the amount of pain I am in all the time is not okay. It is not something I can live with and just ignore until it goes away. It was then that I decided that I am willing to do anything to get my life back on track. anything.
That is why I need to put a couple things on hold for the time being.
- First, I’m afraid I have to put my “365 Days of Poetry” on hold. I need to focus on rebuilding my life. Getting everything back the way it was is going to take some time. I’m sitting at the bottom of a well and in order for me to build a ladder to climb out again, I need to switch my focus.
- Second, My “Secret” poem project that I’ve been working on is also on hold. It is a project I’ve been working on for a few weeks in which I write 10 very good poems and submit them to a publishing company in the hopes to get them published. I’ve had a few followers volunteering to help me with proof reading and editing and I thank them from the bottom of my heart but this project also needs to go on hold. I have sent an e-mail to those people.
It’s times like these that I am the most thankful for having the few friends that live around me who are willing to put up with me in depressing times and who won’t look down on me for being depressed. I owe my life to those few people and they know who they are.
I am currently looking for a good therapist as I discovered I am 100% covered by my insurance for therapy sessions up to $500.00CAD per calendar year but while I look for one that won’t push medication as a primary solution, I am also taking a few steps to try and better myself as a person.
- I’m learning how to cook. My mother game me a beginners cook book, and I’m reading it cover to cover. I want to learn how to cook better than I can now so that I can hopefully start doing things for myself without having to feel like it was pointless.
- I’m getting in contact with old friends whom I haven’t spoken to in over a year. I believe having a social life will be a big help in rebuilding my self esteem.
- I’m trying to make new friends. I’m trying to make new friends through any connection I can.
If you have any other suggestions for building self esteem, let me know. Any help is greatly appreciated.
I will still be writing poetry, but I won’t be writing every day. I’m doing this because it is difficult for me to write when I have no emotion to put into my writing. When I write now it will not be because I have to; it will be because I want to. Everything I write will be a bearing of my emotions and deepest thoughts. Some of them will be written in despair and/or depression and some will be happy or even motivational. But I won’t be writing arbitrarily anymore. At least not for a while anyway.
I realized that for the past number of years, I have been having difficulty feeling any emotions except sadness. The last time I was actually happy was when I got the phone call from my best friend (now roommate) that she and her (then) boyfriend had gotten engaged. That was the last time I had felt truly happy for anything. The mask I wear every day went from showing happiness to showing nothing and I started to wear it 24/7. It’s time for me to remove the mask and tear down the walls I’ve been building around myself. I need to let people in. It’s not going to be easy and it’s going to take some time but I will do it.
Last week’s poems:
Monday, November 5th, 2012:
Wednesday, November 7th, 2012:
Again, sorry for not writing much last week.
And that’s it for this Monday update. Thanks for reading.
So I made a mistake on one of the projects I’m working on in the office. Nothing major (only added 5 minutes to the process) but I take my own mistakes very personal and for some reason this one hurt me.
In my industry 5 minutes is huge when you’re on a project deadline.
Anyway, it reminded me of this quote:
“To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense” – Ambrose Bierce
The mistake was a file specific setting that makes it easier for me to work on drawings. I usually turn it off before I save a file, but apparently I forgot to this time. One of the more experienced drafters didn’t know how to use this setting, and it added 5 minutes to processing the drawing. (I got blamed.)
I didn’t apologize for it, I explained how to use the function and admitted that it was my fault for forgetting to turn that setting off.