It’s time for me to light the fire
Light it up and burn it higher
One step closer, one at a time
I’m going to make my life mine.
The bigger the flame, the brighter the burn,
Easier to make my world turn
Round and round to change direction
To live my life at my discretion
For once the voice of anxiety
Doesn’t phase or frighten me
My voice is tiny but speaks true
That I will get better, I will break through
Because right now I am broken
But solace in the words I’ve spoken
Anxiety thinks for me, in my place
But soon enough I take my place.
My friends, they are my inspiration
The fire that burns, my motivation
They love me and I love them
And I know that I’ll be whole again.
©2015 Alex Hicks
I’m the kind of person who is happiest
When making other people happy.
If I make one person laugh every day
Then it will have been a good day for me.
This poses a small problem for me
When someone tells me
That they’ve had a hard life
I don’t know what to say because
Nothing I could say would make their situation
So I just sit there in silence
I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
Maybe I’m waiting for them to get mad at me
for not saying anything
Maybe I’m waiting for the tears they’ll inevitably cry
Or maybe I’m waiting for the moment to insert a joke
Or anything that I think will make them smile
But that moment rarely comes
There’s a time and place for everything
But there rarely seems to be a time and place for me
In the moment,
I’ll sit in silence watching your face
For signs of what you’ll do next.
Whether it be tears of sadness or rage
Or a scream
But I don’t speak
Because you’ve heard the lies before
“Everything will be fine”
“It will all work out in the end”
“I’ll always be here for you”
I won’t speak those lies
Because everything won’t be fine
It may not work out in the end
I may not always be here for you
But I’m here now.
That’s a promise I can keep.
I’ll be the ears to hear that scream
The shoulder to cry on
The foundation to hold you up
But I can’t promise to always be there for you
Because I don’t know if I can keep that promise.
©2013 Alex Hicks
So, I took a week off from everything last week (except work). In order to organize and play with my thoughts. Sorry I didn’t tell you
But the good news is, I’m back. With renewed inspiration and motivation, with insight, patience and dedication. Or at least I hope so lol.
My psychologist has me keeping a worry journal, to help me track the sources of my worry and deal with my anxiety. It isn’t something that I’m likely to post here, but it is helping me deal with my worry a lot.
I would also like to point out how important having friends is to me right now and should have been my entire life. My whole life I thought people only wanted to be my friends because I was useful to them or because I had something they wanted. I realize now, that I was wrong. My friends are my friends because of the personality traits that I possess that we share, or that they find attractive in me; the same reason that I desire to be friends with them. Friends who are only friends with you because they want something from you are not very good friends at all. I should have realized this a long time ago and it is probably the reason why I have lost so many friends throughout my life.
So, while I am incredibly grateful to all 245 of my followers for being there for me and reading my work and making this blog what it is today; there are two people who I feel deserve special mention. These three people who have hard times of their own, yet still find a way to cheer me up through writing duets, and even just writing daily reflections for me to read that make me think, are easily the closest friends I have ever made through the means of the internet. They are Hastywords, Jen at Think.Speak.Tryst. and Shruti at A Shade of Pen.Thank you to everyone, but a very special thanks goes to these people for being incredible people in my life.
Hurray! I hit 200 followers!
I’ll keep this brief because I know no one wants to read a wall of text.
I started this blog back in august as a way to show my poetry to my friends. In practically no time at all, people who I’d never met started reading my blog.
Over the past several months I picked up writing again, and gained an audience of over 200 followers on wordpress alone!
I’ve even made new friends through wordpress!
I have to thank all of you for following, reading, and providing feedback on my writing. Without all of you I probably wouldn’t be writing still today.
Thank you to everyone, and here’s to many more!
Saying I don’t want the help
Isn’t saying I don’t need it
But in the past when others did
I’d felt I’d been defeated.
Because I enjoy my independence
I enjoy my spending my free time
Doing things just by myself
When I don’t feel like trying.
But it’s all about the company
The ones who stick with you
No matter how hard hard times may get
It not the many, but the few.
They are your true companions
Friends until the end
And once you hit rock bottom
They’ll still be glad to call you friend.
So yes I may be stubborn
And I may come across unkind
But rest assured I’ll be there too
If you should fall behind.
©2013 Alex Hicks
So I wrote this poem on October 29th, 2012 and I swore to myself I would never post it. This was when I started to notice things going awry between myself and my former roommate. I realize now, I have no reason to hide it. So here you go:
Every comment is offensive
Every argument a fight
And every time I queston it
I am never right.
Socially an outsider
My writing is all I know
And when someone gets offended
Grief is what I’ll show.
Every time I speak
My comment I’ll retract
Because everything I say
comes out as an attack.
I’m sorry if I appear cold
But this is where it ends
I have no need for fakers
Who pretend to be my friends.
©2012-2013 Alex Hicks
So ever since I started this blog, I have found lost friends, had friends become better friends, an gained friends all around the world. Hell, I’ve even lost a couple friends. But the way I see it, losing friends just means that you have better things to do than spend time with people who just bring you down. Besides, what’s most important is all of the friends I’ve made who care about my well being no matter where they are in the world. To them, I gift this poem.
I’m on top of the world
And all my friends are with me
Even if they can’t see
Where I am or will be
Standing like an oak tree
Standing strong together.
The world is my amphitheater
And we are on the stage
Turning the next page
Never giving into rage
With the wisdom of a sage
We all recite in verse.
Everyone can see us
Word for word we’re matching
The flow is truly catching
The plans that we have hatching
Watching gates unlatching
We walk through as one.
As one we’re standing tall
Standing strong together
Or voices are forever
Through the stormy weather
Like a diamond tether
We all will carry on.
We are the new age poets
You can hate us as you will
And though the voices shrill
We will recite until
The air around is still
With the beating of our hearts.
In the rhythm of the song.
©2013 Alex Hicks
Watch me as a jump through hoops
To grab hold of your attention
I distract you so you won’t leave
At least that is my intention
When I am with my friends
Everything is fine
But when they leave and I’m alone
My sanity is tried.
I don’t want to be alone
No, don’t leave me, not again
I don’t want to feel this emptyness
I just want to have a friend
Someone who I can trust
Who won’t turn and run away
When my thoughts turn to fallacies
At the end of every day.
But apparently this modern age
Have changed us for the worst
Ignoring everyone elses problems
Until that slow ride in a hearse.
©2013 Alex Hicks
Friendship is a treaure
That we must work to maintain
Polish it every single day
If you want it to remain.
I find that I am angry
When I’m not with my friends
Because they aren’t the to calm me
When I am at wits end.
It was once upon a time I thought
For your friends to quell your fear
They had to be there with you
The had to remain near.
I realize now that it’s not true
In fact the opposite is so
The further a way a true friend is
The more they mean to you.
©2013 Alex Hicks
So this is not a poem in itself but it is easily an example of the most beautiful form of poetry that exists.
This is the first Valentines day that I’ve been single in 5 years. I thought it would be hard, but as it turns out I may have to wait till next year to find out…
I just spent my valentines day with a couple who decided that rather than me being alone for valentines day, they would give up their time together to spend time with me. They gave up spending time alone together, to keep me company on Valentines Day with dinner, minigolf, drinks, shopping, and MLP.
I want to tell you all about a friend of mine. He is a friend whom I’ve just recently started hanging out with again after a long period of no communication. This person a few weeks ago decided that he wanted to hang out with me again. This person listened to all of the problems I’ve been having over the past three years despite having many problems of his own. This person allowed me to open up to him right off the bat and was not afraid to tell me that I needed help. This person decided of his own free will to pay for my first visit to a psychologist. This person is also moving to Montreal in a few months. It’s only about a day long drive away, but he is still moving away.
It’s days like this. That make me write poetry. Days like this that produce the most beautiful poems. The days that are inspired by beautiful people…beautiful people doing beautiful things.
These are the days when I realize who my true friends are. The people who give up their time to stand beside me when I’m at my worst and not just shut me out. These are the days where I realize who my life long friends will be. Even though they’re moving away, I know that they will still be better friends than some of the people here. Besides, it won’t be long after they leave, that I’ll be taking a week long vacation. And guess where I’m going?