It’s time for me to light the fire
Light it up and burn it higher
One step closer, one at a time
I’m going to make my life mine.
The bigger the flame, the brighter the burn,
Easier to make my world turn
Round and round to change direction
To live my life at my discretion
For once the voice of anxiety
Doesn’t phase or frighten me
My voice is tiny but speaks true
That I will get better, I will break through
Because right now I am broken
But solace in the words I’ve spoken
Anxiety thinks for me, in my place
But soon enough I take my place.
My friends, they are my inspiration
The fire that burns, my motivation
They love me and I love them
And I know that I’ll be whole again.
©2015 Alex Hicks
Have you ever had someone you love
Take their own life?
Shock sets in first.
The feeling that reality is something that you left in the dust behind you.
And in the coming weeks, part of you will hold on to that.
Part of you will hold on to that so strongly that you will keep looking at the door every time it makes a noise expecting him to walk in, only to see that it’s another person – here to
remind you that he’s dead and gone express their condolences – when all you want is to forget that this is real. The shock never goes away.
Part of you will always be in disbelief.
You will want to cry – but you won’t.
Because you can’t.
You can’t cry over what didn’t really happen right?
Then, you will.
The tears will come suddenly. You will not be able to stop them, nor will you want to.
Get used to it.
Every little thing that goes wrong – every little thing that goes right – will bring more tears.
You will cry for hours, days, weeks, maybe even months.
You’ll hate yourself for crying so much, you’ll start to think that all these people – none of these people…
None of these people understand
You’ll be angry at them – at yourself.
WHY DO THEY KEEP REMINDING ME!?
STOP ASKING ME IF I’M OKAY
I AM NOT…
But I will be…
Goodbye dad…I miss you…
Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Stories of the ones who faded away
The greats, the quiet, the secluded, alone
The fondness for them that we’ve grown
Sometimes the end is all that we can see
And sometimes it’s not as bright as it could be
But we push on because it’s all we know
No matter how bleak, to the darkness we go
Sometimes all we hear is the sound of defeat
Wherever we go, whoever we may meet
It rings and we ignore it, push it back in our mind
But always it is there, always it’s inside
Sometimes we just want to quit
Life’s too hard, the grind, the grit
But someone’s there to hold you up
To hold your hand, someone to trust
But sometimes, there’s no one there
At rock bottom, alone in stale air
When you hit rock bottom, you learn fast
That just when you land, rock bottom hits back.
Sometimes…I just want to let the darkness win.
©2014 Alexander Hicks
Originally posted on hastywords:
Earlier today one of the Sisterwives, Laurie Works, posted a spoken word poem that rocked me to the core. It wasn’t as much what she has gone through, or the words to her poem, but the raw emotion that conveyed the pain of EVERYTHING that brought her to these words she spoke. I wrote this poem shortly after seeing it but held off posting until I could put it to video in honor of her bravery. Please visit the SisterWives post here and give her some love!
I was dead
For a brief
Words would fall
Like shooting stars
And land before me
On wet ground
Would cover them
And I didn’t notice
I didn’t care
And I watched
As it rained
Tiny sharp daggers
Dotting my skin
View original 88 more words
I push and I push and I push
You push everyone away.
I push away the people I love.
But not her.
you’re so afraid
That she’ll leave me.
Just like the rest did.
Yet, she promises she won’t.
So why do you keep pushing?
She hates seeing me like this.
You hate yourself like this.
She tells me that she loves me
But you don’t love yourself.
She says she wants to be with me
But you don’t want to be with yourself.
And more than anything I want to be with her.
Then you know what you must do.
I can’t fight it alone anymore.
You never really had to.
Anxiety has taken so much from me
Then don’t let it take any more.
I’m going to make one final stand
You won’t be standing alone.
I won’t let this win.
WE won’t let this win.
This battle may be done
You’ve lost a lot of ground.
But the war is far from over
We’ll stand behind you always.
I fight so I can be with her
We fight so you can be with you.
I fight so I can be with me.
We fight to keep your sanity.
She’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me
you really love her don’t you?
Yes, she is my everything.
Then we fight so you will not lose her.
We fight so I will not lose her.
We fight and we will win.
We will win.
©2014 Alexander J Hicks
Looking up from where I’ve fallen
I hear their voices softly calling
Reaching pulling holding fast
Encouraging my strength to last
But for them I am not reaching back
I’ve let my vision fade to black
Let night embrace me, feels so real
Hide the light, let darkness heal.
Shattered glass in a picture frame
But the pieces are all still there
In the frame.
And I keep lying to myself saying I’m not depressed
That I’m not anxious or lonely
“Happiness comes to those who wait.”
What bullshit. I’ve worked for happiness
I’ve worked to make my life okay
To make myself okay
But it never works
My heart beats to the sound
of a broken drum
It’s sound so lifeless
So quiet, so broken
But every single day I manage to hide it
Every single day I manage to lie
And I hate myself for it
But I can’t show weakness anymore
Because the world is a dangerous place
And to show weakness is to admit defeat
But what if, just what if,
What if Weakness is all I have left to show?
©2014 Alex Hicks