Lost Before the Light

So I’m sitting at my desk (slow day at the office); organizing the poems that I have transcribed from my notebook into documents in Notepad++, and I come across a title I do not remember. I didn’t remember writing it until I read it and according to the document properties; I wrote it on November 13th. That was during the week where my anxiety/depression kind of took a nose dive. I read it and I realized that even then I knew that all hope was not lost. So here it is. -Alex H.

 

 
I am at war with myself
One side happy, the other sad.
And when this war is over
Only one side will be glad.
 
It isn’t really a war
As each side only has one soul
The soul in which they live
Both with the same goal.
 
I call them light and dark
And at this present time
Dark is driving light away
When I want light to shine.
 
Dark is pushing hardest
And light has lost all hope
Hope lay bleeding on the battle field
And courage’s heart is broke.
 
Dark has taken casulties
Despair and common greed.
But despite Love’s better warning
Darkness will not heed.
 
They continue to push forward
While light is stepping back
Losing at the last defense
My life has gone off track.
 
But I’m not giving up.
Because hope may lie in blood
But I have a secret
That will make darkness run.
 
But until I can use that secret
to push back the dark of night
I will remain where I now stand
Lost before the light.
 
©2012 Alex Hicks

The Painting

You’ve seen this before
You’ve gazed on this painting
This portrait of sadness
Your eyes swelling, tainting
 
In the portrait you see
A man sits alone
The oils refine him
His future unknown
 
But is it a painting?
Or a mirror of kind?
Telling the future
Or the past left behind
 
If you stare you will know
That the painting you see
Is both the record untold
And what has yet to be
 
And as time passes by
The colors will fade
Until all that is left
is a canvas of gray.
 
©2012 Alex Hicks

Breaking the Norm

Sorry I didn’t post a poem yesterday. I was really busy with work and trying to get accounts set up with the bank for moving out in 5 days! In apology, I wrote a poem this morning once I got to work.

This one is inspired on my recent life events and how I came to terms with the thoughts that were/are driving me mad.

As for a bit of history, this is what happened. I dated a girl for 5 years. A very shy introvert, and we both worked at the same place. But anyway, I noticed about 6 months ago that we were getting more and more distant from each other for a while. so after 3 weeks of not talking to each other, I told her it was time for us to go our separate ways. There is more to it than that, but that’s all you’re getting hahaha.

I say it was a bad breakup, but it wasn’t really. It was hard on me as in the past I was always the one being broken up with not the one who does the breaking up. It has been hard on me the past couple months because I hate hurting people. I hate it more than anything.

So anyway, the day before I broke up with her, my best friend called me and told me she and her boyfriend had got engaged. (Problem #1:the person you are in a committed relationship with should be your best friend in my humble opinion. She wasn’t.) I was around the 3rd person they told and it made me feel very very happy. It made me feel like I belonged somewhere, something I had been struggling with my entire life. It was the event that inspired the feelings and emotions that allowed me to write poetry again. If it wasn’t for them, this blog wouldn’t exist. (Their names may never appear here unless they allow me to post the poem I wrote for them.) So anyway, my best friend who got engaged is going to be my roommate as of October 1st. Her fiance is okay with it as he is one of my best friends as well (I’m one of his groomsmen), and they both know I would rather kill myself than do anything that could harm their relationship, and just knowing that I am a part of their lives is one of the most important things in my life.

So after my breakup I went through this month-long “funk”. Where I felt depressed, I had trouble getting work done etc. and then it hit me.

I didn’t miss her, I missed having the security of being in a committed relationship. The feeling of not being under the pressure that society puts on all people to be in a committed relationship. Once I realized that, it became a lot easier to deal with.

So anyway, long story short, bad breakup, best friend engaged, moving out on the 1st of October. Have a poem!

Echoes of my past are ringing bells,
Church bells, in my ears.
It’s loud. It’s annoying,
But I need it.

It’s telling me the should haves
It should be silenced by the could haves
Or even drowned out by the would haves
But it’s not. It’s loud.

Its telling me “look back”
Decisions made awry,
People hurt and left for crows,
Hundreds of doors unopened.

I wish they weren’t so loud,
I’m still moving forward right?
So if I’m moving forward,
Why am I still looking at my past?

We learn from our mistakes,
Or so we all are taught.
But in order to learn from them,
One must take responsibility for them.

I know I’ve made mistakes,
I’ve tossed pennies in the well,
But how do you learn from mistakes,
You don’t ever remember making?

Nothing I can do but wait.
Wait for the toll of past mistakes,
Wait for the future to come,
and wait for another door to open.

©Alex Hicks