To Be Consumed…

Some people know me as the one who says sorry too much
Apologizing for the sake of apologizing, because I’m sorry
but I can’t be the person you want me to be
I can’t be the one that follows you around and makes you feel safe
because I don’t always feel safe.

That’s not to say that I don’t want you to feel safe around me
Because I do.

But I can’t give someone something that I don’t myself have
I can’t securely give you security while I’m insecure
in the thought that I have what I need, that I’m living how I want, how I need.

I have needs too, and I’ve been frowned on and looked down on
and stepped on by those who wanted to get ahead of me
but I don’t hate them. I respect them.

Because they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want in life
even if that means losing friends.
And maybe that’s because they have.
Maybe it’s because they’ve been hurt in the past and they,
they don’t let anyone in anymore because they’re afraid.

Afraid of being hurt again so they reach.
They reach for the only thing they have left to reach for.
And they can’t afford to stop to let someone in while on the way there.
or maybe, maybe they just won’t let anything hold them down.

but there’s a fatal flaw.
Whether you’ve been hurt in the past, or if you don’t want anyone to hold you down.
You’re still acting out of fear.

Fear of letting someone in.
Fear of being hurt again.
Fear of someone holding you down.

But trust me…I’ve seen these things before. Been on the outside looking in.

Been part of the audience at the circus of freaks.
But I’ve also been on stage.
I’ve been the main attraction.

The lion tamer, the bearded lady, the strong man.
The don’t hold a candle to me.

Because I’ve been consumed by fears.
I’ve watched it devour everything…
everyone…
I’ve ever loved.

Then I watched it’s gaping jaws descend on me
And I’ve watched as my life was consumed by it.

The fear.

And I won’t let it consume anymore.

©2015 Alexander J Hicks

A Little More About Me. And Why I’m Angry.

No, I’m not angry with my readers. I’m angry with my family, and with some of my local friends. And here’s why:

Recently I posted something explaining that someone important in my life had been arrested and is being charged with something that I find to be the most despicable of crimes.

Now, my readers may not know this, but I find children to be the most beautiful thing in this world. They are the essence of innocence and deserve as much respect and protection as our elders do, if not more. They are the future and when we are dead and gone, they will run the world and they deserve to be treated as such. Not to be spoiled, but to be taught respect and discipline.

Anyway, the person who I refer to is my father. The crime he’s being charged with? Possession of child pornography. If what the police are saying is true, he has soiled the most innocent and protected thing on the planet, and that is disgraceful. He insists that he is innocent (of course he does, who would admit guilt?) But I have my doubts. Some things about him have come to light about him since the arrest and as it stands now, whether or not he’s innocent or guilty, it is doubtful that he will ever regain my trust.

As for some of my friends, I’m angry with them for a couple reasons. There are 2 people I talked to for advice on the situation who suggested that I turn to god. It made me ask myself a question:

1. Would my reaction be any different if I was not an atheist? If I believed in one or more gods?

And the answers to me are fairly simple. 1. No, my reaction would be no different. The man I have been closest with my whole life has betrayed my trust in the worst possible way. Neither gods nor men could change that. I’ve been told to have faith in my father (my birth father…not a pastor) but faith doesn’t win wars, soldiers do.

The world is a dark place, and right now times appear to be the darkest. I remind myself every day that the lights are brightest when seen from the dark, but always further away. I am trying my best to stay one step ahead of the dark, but it is not an easy thing to do.

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On a brighter note, I’ve got another update planned for later today to talk about poems and writing, and the possibility of getting myself published. So if you have any suggestions for my top works, let me know.

Thanks

Alex Hicks

Promise

 
I’m the kind of person who is happiest
When making other people happy.
 
If I make one person laugh every day
Then it will have been a good day for me.
 
This poses a small problem for me
 
When someone tells me
That they’ve had a hard life
I don’t know what to say because
Nothing I could say would make their situation
Any better.
 
So I just sit there in silence
Watching
Waiting
 
I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
Maybe I’m waiting for them to get mad at me
for not saying anything
Maybe I’m waiting for the tears they’ll inevitably cry
Or maybe I’m waiting for the moment to insert a joke
Or anything that I think will make them smile
 
But that moment rarely comes
 
There’s a time and place for everything
But there rarely seems to be a time and place for me
 
In the moment,
I’ll sit in silence watching your face
For signs of what you’ll do next.
 
Whether it be tears of sadness or rage
Or a scream
 
But I don’t speak
Because you’ve heard the lies before
“Everything will be fine”
“It will all work out in the end”
“I’ll always be here for you”
 
I won’t speak those lies
Because everything won’t be fine
It may not work out in the end
I may not always be here for you
 
But I’m here now.
That’s a promise I can keep.
 
I’ll be the ears to hear that scream
The shoulder to cry on
The foundation to hold you up
 
But I can’t promise to always be there for you
Because I don’t know if I can keep that promise.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

The Broken

 
Like looking into a broken mirror
The reflection is still there
But it’s all in pieces
Fragmented
Broken
I’m broken
 
Like a shattered picure frame
The memories are there
But it looks strange
Tortured
Distorted
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

Lead The Charge

 
I put myself there.
I dug my own grave
I was ready to give up
I was ready to quit
To stop trying.
 
I had built walls around myself
And everytime I said I would tear them down
I just built them thicker
 
A different kind of self harm
A different kind of suicide.
 
But I stopped.
 
Someone reached out to me
To pull me from my dark place
And into the light I had glimpsed.
 
I didn’t give up
I didn’t quit
 
And unbeknownst to me
I had more friends than I thought.
Friends I didn’t even know about
Watching unseen from the sidelines of my life
Concerned with where I was going
But unable to really help.
 
And now, I can see all of them
I no longer have friends on the sidelines
I can now see them
Fighting with me
Fighting their own demons as well as mine
Just as I am fighting theirs.
 
I’ve joined the fray
I’ve drawn my blade
I’ll lead the charge
I’ll clear the way.
 
My shield a bastion
My sword will strike true
Let enemies approach me
I will push through.
 
My steed carries foreward
The head of the charge
I will face any problems
No matter how large
 
The blood of my foes
Will paint the ground red
Until all of my demons
Have ended up dead.
 
I will fight for my morals
I will fight with the best
Until the day comes
That I draw my last breath.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

Mastering My Monsters

 
I see her sitting, singing,
A serenade of solitude
Solumn in her sorrow.
 
While the whimsical willows
Dance wildly in wind
Wary, I watch, waiting.
 
Trying to tame terror
Time trying to turn me
Trying but trapped in turmoil.
 
Voice of vicious beauty
Voracious vapid villain
Virile in my vanity.
 
Casting out my chorus
Crying in the cold
Cannot crack this carapace.
 
Mending is a must
Master of my monsters
Malicious mirriad in my mind.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

Never to See The Light of Day

So I wrote this poem on October 29th, 2012 and I swore to myself I would never post it. This was when I started to notice things going awry between myself and my former roommate. I realize now, I have no reason to hide it. So here you go:
 
Every comment is offensive
Every argument a fight
And every time I queston it
I am never right.
 
Socially an outsider
My writing is all I know
And when someone gets offended
Grief is what I’ll show.
 
Every time I speak
My comment I’ll retract
Because everything I say
comes out as an attack.
 
I’m sorry if I appear cold
But this is where it ends
I have no need for fakers
Who pretend to be my friends.
 
©2012-2013 Alex Hicks

(14/03/2013) Fear

 
Do you know fear?
Have you felt the cold chill
That death brings
The cold chill that
Runs down the back of your neck
Like a drop of cold sweat?
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

(10-03-13) A Little Bit

 
A little bit of sadness
A little bit of anger
A little bit of madness
A little bit of fear
A little bit of happiness
A little bit of hope
A little bit restless
A little bit calm
A little bit relaxing
A little bit of stress
A little bit of emptyness
A little bit of pain
A little bit of clarity
A little bit of zen
 
All of it means nothing;
Without a little bit of love.
 
©2013 Alex Hicks

(28/01/2013) The Thing About Death

 
There’s something about death
That strikes us down with fear
But at the same time
Intregues us greatly
 
There is this sense
Or desire
To learn what we don’t know
 
And when we can’t learn
We start lying
 
We start telling stories
To make us comfortable
In our lack
Of difinitive knowledge
 
We fear
That which we don’t understand
The unknown.
Death.
 
So we lie.
 
That’s the thing about the dead
They have nothing to fear
So if you were to ask them a question
They would have no reason to tell the truth.
 
So if we could ask the dead
What happens when we die
We would
And the entire world would change
 
But we can’t
 
Because the dead can’t speak
And if they could
All you would hear is lies
 
©2013 Alex Hicks