A Window to My Conscience – Entry I

I’m going to do a series of posts that won’t be poems. A sort of writing project. A series of thoughts. And I’m inviting all of you to take a look in my brain and take from it what you will. I don’t know how many parts this will be, but this is the first one.

Two weeks ago…my girlfriend ex-girlfriend broke up with me. Initially, I said we broke up, that it was a mutual decision. I’ve read articles on how to get through a breakup, and now I realize that it wasn’t mutual. She broke up with me, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can change myself and move on.

Moving on…


Some of my friends suggested trying to get her back…to chase after her. I won’t do that though.


Because. Because, I want to move on more than I want her back. These past two weeks I’ve felt my heart pulling me to chase her, and my mind knocking me on my ass. One pulls one way, the other pulls another. Tearing me apart. Clean in two.

And it hurt.

It hurt like hell.


But I want to move on.

Work has been a nice break…a break from the emotions, from the pain of the loss, from my heart and brain splitting me down the middle…a nice break…a clean break.

But it made me think. We are all so busy in our lives, jobs and paychecks and money, that we forget what we really need to be happy…we forget about love and about friendship and self worth.
busy living life

I have to look back. Before I was old enough to be interested in girls. Back when girls were “gross”. I didn’t hate myself then, not like I do now. I was confident, and full of myself. Foolish, and filled with pride. Then I grew up, and the world changed.

School said they could teach it, Parents said they had lived it, but I knew kids that had more happen in their lives than my parents ever did in theirs. So had they really lived real life? The answer is no. No one has lived my life, and no one but me ever will.


Love is one of those things that no one can live without. Everyone has to have it in some way or another. Whether it is from themselves or if it is from someone else, everyone needs love.

In one way or another…

And 2 weeks ago when She broke up with me, I felt like that was gone. People keep asking me if I’m okay and I say I’m fine. I’m better than before but I’m not okay; not yet anyway.

“I can handle this” means “please help me” and no one seems to notice. So I drown myself in my work. The only thing that keeps me sane, keeps me safe from the call of the void.


Oh trust me, if I could save myself from drowning, I would; but right now I can’t. right now I’m drowning in this ocean of emotions and I can’t even see the water. I’m too caught up in staring at the darkness in my own heart…the darkness that’s taking the place where love had once filled. The hole that people look through and see their own monsters.

Ambitions drowned by fears, love replaced by darkness, happiness and its twisted smile. Its treacherous grin.

I know that right now, I’m not okay. Right now the dark surrounds me. But it won’t be there forever…it can’t be there forever. Until the day when the light returns to where love once sat in my heart, the place where darkness right now sits, I’ll keep running.

Running from the emotions, running from the monsters, running from the darkness, running from the pain and running from myself.

Running from myself.

empty bed

But I know I will be okay. Some days are harder than others, and some days I’m filled with energy and life. Someday, I’ll escape the feeling of emptiness and truly move on with my life, and when that day comes, I’ll be ready for a relationship.

A Duet – Beyond the Truth

This is written by myself and Hastywords I’ve done a lot of writing with her in the past and she remains to be an amazing poet and friend. Go check out her blog!

How do I overcome
This pain of a broken heart
How do I fix myself
I don’t know where to start
I feel overwhelmed
Disabled inside this emptiness
You left me hollow and numb
Inside a suffocating loneliness
Do I embrace the dark surrounding me?
Let it comfort me with its touch.
Or do I build my walls and shut it out?
Like the pain that hurts so much.
They say breathing is all it takes
To survive this painful dark
Lungs on fire, fighting my will
Oxygen struggling to leave its mark
So long bound by chains of passion
Only to be freed and bound again
By this pain of isolation
By the pains I hold within
I will sit alone in this dark
Become accustomed to its silence
Then perhaps someday
I’ll peer beyond its shadows
To the place where stars shone bright as suns
Where the sunlight filled my eyes
In my world where everything was right
beyond the truth and lies.
©2014 Alex Hicks and Hastywords

The Hardest Part

Some days waking up
Is the hardest thing I do
I’ve spend days now wide awake
Thinking of only you
Thinking of where I went wrong
Of how I screwed things up
Thinking on how much
It hurt just giving up.
And I wish that I could stay asleep
Because in dreams we’re still together
But it’s always interrupted
Because I know you’re gone forever
And I wish I could have fixed things
And that you had given me a chance
To repair the trust that I betrayed
To dance that twisted dance.
I know that one day I’ll be fine
That I’ll move on and live my life
But for now all I feel is misery
Amidst the pain, the hurt, and strife.
This broken hearted memory
Will haunt me for the time
Of what we had and what we lost
But someday I’ll be fine.
And that’s the hardest part.
©2013 Alex Hicks


I need a chance to sit, rebuild
Reconstruct the emotions spilled
To sit and watch this anger burn
And by fires light to watch them turn
I allow myself to disconnect
To give my brain time to dissect
The thoughts, emotions, memories
Changing me here presently.
So step back please I need my space
I will let you in sometime and place
But right now I need solidarity
To find what brings me clarity
I’m filled with rage and dissonance
And I fear I might not stand a chance
Of Ever stepping again as one
Out of the dark and into the sun.
©2013 Alex Hicks

The Walls I Know So Well

So yesterday, me and my girlfriend broke up. It was on good terms and we are still “friends” but it still hurts. I thought I loved this girl, but I put too much of myself into a relationship that was only 3.5 months old. I was smothering her on top of everything she had to focus on with school and her family…I understood everything…It made sense…
But it still hurts…

I keep saying I could have fixed things
But I don’t think that I’d be able
I became far too reliant
On the feelings I’d enabled.
I expected her to care for me
So much more than what she did
After such a short relationship
I couldn’t handle what she hid
I let fall all my defenses
The walls I took so long to build
And now that I’m alone again
With loneliness I’m filled.
So now it’s time to step back
And rebuild the walls I fell
To shut out all the darkness
That I know so very well
So I will sit alone for now
And build up my hardened shell
I’ll rebuild what I let fall
The walls I know so well.
©2013 Alex Hicks