I’m broken
Shattered glass in a picture frame
But the pieces are all still there
Sitting
Cracked
In the frame.
And I keep lying to myself saying I’m not depressed
That I’m not anxious or lonely
“Happiness comes to those who wait.”
What bullshit. I’ve worked for happiness
I’ve worked to make my life okay
To make myself okay
But it never works
My heart beats to the sound
of a broken drum
It’s sound so lifeless
So quiet, so broken
But every single day I manage to hide it
Every single day I manage to lie
And I hate myself for it
But I can’t show weakness anymore
Because the world is a dangerous place
And to show weakness is to admit defeat
But what if, just what if,
What if Weakness is all I have left to show?
©2014 Alex Hicks
sadness
The Tragedy of Unanswered Letters – A Duet
This one was written by myself and my good friend Shruti over at A Shade of Pen. She is a wonderful poet and we had so much fun writing this one. Be sure to go over to her blog and follow her!
It’s been endless years since I wrote to you
It’s been forever since I waited for your reply
And yet, every day when the sun rises;
My eyes gleam with the hope to hear from you
And yet, every night when the moon glitters
A silent tear slowly escapes as I still wait
The tears of the lonely show life in its glory
An eternity alone, a devastating story
At the surface it may appear that we’re gone
But we’ve been silently waiting here all along
On the surface you may see what you will
But deep underneath the tears eat their fill
The heart though broken sings a song
Despite the wait, it hungrily longs
To belong to the one for whom it still beats
And yet Destiny plays foul and doesn’t permits
Two long lost lovers to unite again
As each suffers silently in unfulfilled love’s lane
To rise above passion and beauty skin deep
And transcend differences and secrets they keep
Reaching forever for one combined goal
Sticking together, two halves of a whole
A fixture of time, steadfast it remains
Love breaks down borders and releases the pain.
As love oozes and flows from the heart
The broken shards hope of a new start
Hopes swell up and dash again
The heart hopes but in vain
Although, no letters reach her ever
Yet, her heart silently whispers.. Never say never
Whispering quietly in the dark
Her words to never reach their mark
Her tears fall silently and remain unseen
Never to be noticed by loves tragic scene
A complex and twisted tragedy
Of simple unrespected majesty
With love, longing, memories and pain
She still stands strong in this lane
A little part of her breaks everyday
And today, still and silent she lays
The unfulfilled longings of love finally made her die
Her body crumbles as there is no one to cry
A tragedy, a death; yet love shines
’cause separated in life, but upon death they unite
Life eternal without pain
Brings more suffering in vain
And living life without love to hold
Does force the hand of life to fold
And tears shed over something lost
Are far from a price that’s worth the cost
For life is a game of give and take
And love requires both to make.
©2013 Alex Hicks and Shruti (A Shade of Pen)
My Mask
I wrote this poem about a week ago but I didn’t want to share it out of fear of being judged. I told myself I wasn’t going to post any more poetry that was based solely in depression anymore but because of the events on Friday; (read here and here); I need to post what I feel and in a way this is still what I feel.
Writing helps me express my emotions and dealing with them. From this moment on, I will be posting everything I write.
Long standing basiton
Living in the empty
Lost and so alone
Love and hope plenty.
Open to the world
Older but not wise
Only darkness stays
Owning up to crimes.
Practicing the act
Painful is the task
Pretending I am fine
Painting on my mask.
Regret is my position
Remaining in the crowd
Relingquishing my sadness
Retained without a sound.
©2012 Alex Hicks
Monday Update #2: Step Back
Updates are going to be up on Mondays now.
So on Friday, something happened to me. I posted about it when it happened, then when I got home, I had a breakdown. Tears and everything. I woke up in the fetal position under my desk. I have never cried like that before.
I realized that for the past number of years, I have been having difficulty feeling any emotions except sadness. The last time I was actually happy was when I got the phone call from my best friend (now roommate) that she and her (then) boyfriend had gotten engaged. That was the last time I had felt truly happy for anything. The mask I wear every day went from showing happiness to showing nothing and I started to wear it 24/7. It’s time for me to remove the mask and tear down the walls I’ve been building around myself. I need to let people in.
So anyway, I realized then that the amount of pain I am in all the time is not okay. It is not something I can live with and just ignore until it goes away. It was then that I decided that I am willing to do anything to get my life back on track. anything.
That is why I need to put a couple things on hold for the time being.
- First, I’m afraid I have to put my “365 Days of Poetry” on hold. I need to focus on rebuilding my life. Getting everything back the way it was is going to take some time. I’m sitting at the bottom of a well and in order for me to build a ladder to climb out again, I need to switch my focus.
- Second, My “Secret” poem project that I’ve been working on is also on hold. It is a project I’ve been working on for a few weeks in which I write 10 very good poems and submit them to a publishing company in the hopes to get them published. I’ve had a few followers volunteering to help me with proof reading and editing and I thank them from the bottom of my heart but this project also needs to go on hold. I have sent an e-mail to those people.
It’s times like these that I am the most thankful for having the few friends that live around me who are willing to put up with me in depressing times and who won’t look down on me for being depressed. I owe my life to those few people and they know who they are.
I am currently looking for a good therapist as I discovered I am 100% covered by my insurance for therapy sessions up to $500.00CAD per calendar year but while I look for one that won’t push medication as a primary solution, I am also taking a few steps to try and better myself as a person.
- I’m learning how to cook. My mother game me a beginners cook book, and I’m reading it cover to cover. I want to learn how to cook better than I can now so that I can hopefully start doing things for myself without having to feel like it was pointless.
- I’m getting in contact with old friends whom I haven’t spoken to in over a year. I believe having a social life will be a big help in rebuilding my self esteem.
- I’m trying to make new friends. I’m trying to make new friends through any connection I can.
If you have any other suggestions for building self esteem, let me know. Any help is greatly appreciated.
I will still be writing poetry, but I won’t be writing every day. I’m doing this because it is difficult for me to write when I have no emotion to put into my writing. When I write now it will not be because I have to; it will be because I want to. Everything I write will be a bearing of my emotions and deepest thoughts. Some of them will be written in despair and/or depression and some will be happy or even motivational. But I won’t be writing arbitrarily anymore. At least not for a while anyway.
I realized that for the past number of years, I have been having difficulty feeling any emotions except sadness. The last time I was actually happy was when I got the phone call from my best friend (now roommate) that she and her (then) boyfriend had gotten engaged. That was the last time I had felt truly happy for anything. The mask I wear every day went from showing happiness to showing nothing and I started to wear it 24/7. It’s time for me to remove the mask and tear down the walls I’ve been building around myself. I need to let people in. It’s not going to be easy and it’s going to take some time but I will do it.
Last week’s poems:
Monday, November 5th, 2012:
Wednesday, November 7th, 2012:
Again, sorry for not writing much last week.
And that’s it for this Monday update. Thanks for reading.
-A.H.
How Many Times?
How many times
Do I have to decieve
To wear this mask
Hide what others seeOne too many
How many times
To hide my true self
From what others findI want to stop
Lying day to day
How many times
How long ’till I fadeTime and time again
I tell them I’m fine
How long do I have
How many times.-©2012 Alex Hicks
Sadness
I’m trying out different forms of poetry. Let me know if you can think of any forms for me to try!
Simple sense state
Anger always aims at
Designing darker distance
Never nearing knowledge
Ever enduring engagement
So silence sires solitude as
Sadness suppresses.
-©2012 Alex Hicks
Where to Go From Here…
Where do I go from here?
North, South, East, West?
Or maybe just staying
Will turn out for the best.
I fear I lack direction
I’m running in one place
And all I want to see
is her smiling face
I need to find comfort
Someone who cares
Someone with whom
My feelings can share
But can one really love
Without loving one self?
Like having no money
And yet sharing wealth?
I have some issues
This much I know
I need to be saved
In order to grow.
So why do I feel lost
And why do I still try
To move on with my life
I ask the question, why?
I am only human
A ripple in the lake
But with my inner turmoil
My fears will not abate
So slowly I will walk
On my own thin ice
Hoping someone someday
Will come to save my life
And somewhere down the road
Once I am free from fear
I hope that they can tell me
Where I should go from here.
-©2012 Alex Hicks
My Thoughts
I like to think
If more people thought like me,
The world would be a better place.
Truth is,
If more people thought like me,
There would just be more suicides.
-©2012 Alex Hicks
In no way do I mean by this that I am considering suicide. I’m not.
Thought #8: Reliance
I have a problem relying on people. My roommate is always calling her fiance or parents or sister to do things for her and they’re always willing to help.
That’s when it hit me. I know why I can’t rely on others.
Because, I could never rely on others. I could never ask someone to do something for me because every time I did, they picked on me because I couldn’t do it.
It is my opinion that whether or not you can rely on others as an adult, depends on how reliable people were to you as a child.
As a result, I know I can’t rely on anyone, so I have to learn to do everything on my own. I doubt I’ll ever be able to change that.
The things that add to the reasons I want to cry.
I Can’t Do It
Every morning I wake up
And put on this mask
This mask that gives me sense of self
A mask of self-esteem.
It makes me appear as happy
A thoughtful caring person
A person with no problems
so as to help others with theirs.
But the truth is as it is
I don’t think I can wear this mask
I think It’s getting too heavy
for my tear stained cheeks.
It takes to much effort
To put on this mask every day
Hurts too much
To cover my own pain.
As much as I want to help others
It hurts to much for me
so I think it may be time
To listen the voices in my head.
-©2012 Alex Hicks
Into Dawn 