To Be Consumed…

Some people know me as the one who says sorry too much
Apologizing for the sake of apologizing, because I’m sorry
but I can’t be the person you want me to be
I can’t be the one that follows you around and makes you feel safe
because I don’t always feel safe.

That’s not to say that I don’t want you to feel safe around me
Because I do.

But I can’t give someone something that I don’t myself have
I can’t securely give you security while I’m insecure
in the thought that I have what I need, that I’m living how I want, how I need.

I have needs too, and I’ve been frowned on and looked down on
and stepped on by those who wanted to get ahead of me
but I don’t hate them. I respect them.

Because they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want in life
even if that means losing friends.
And maybe that’s because they have.
Maybe it’s because they’ve been hurt in the past and they,
they don’t let anyone in anymore because they’re afraid.

Afraid of being hurt again so they reach.
They reach for the only thing they have left to reach for.
And they can’t afford to stop to let someone in while on the way there.
or maybe, maybe they just won’t let anything hold them down.

but there’s a fatal flaw.
Whether you’ve been hurt in the past, or if you don’t want anyone to hold you down.
You’re still acting out of fear.

Fear of letting someone in.
Fear of being hurt again.
Fear of someone holding you down.

But trust me…I’ve seen these things before. Been on the outside looking in.

Been part of the audience at the circus of freaks.
But I’ve also been on stage.
I’ve been the main attraction.

The lion tamer, the bearded lady, the strong man.
The don’t hold a candle to me.

Because I’ve been consumed by fears.
I’ve watched it devour everything…
everyone…
I’ve ever loved.

Then I watched it’s gaping jaws descend on me
And I’ve watched as my life was consumed by it.

The fear.

And I won’t let it consume anymore.

©2015 Alexander J Hicks

Changes Are Coming

Changes are coming ladies and gentlemen.

I’ve decided that I’m going to try and publish some of my writing. So I’ve created profiles on various platforms to spread my work around. You can see all of these links on the sidebar.

The buttons were all made by a very generous and helpful friend of mine who wishes to be called MSS.

You’ll notice a soundcloud link in there. Yep, that means what you think it means. I’ve started recording some of my work. The first one I recorded was It Will Not Scar My Heart. Since then I’ve also found some music that I can use as backgrounds in future recordings, and I’ve learned how to improve the quality of my recordings. You can look forward to many more of those as well.

I’ve also updated my creative commons license for reasons that will be revealed in time. The image for that was also created by MSS.

On that note, know that I have been writing more. I have a lot of half-done pieces that will hopefully be finished and posted soon. As always, I welcome any and all criticism on any of my work, I don’t make a habit of denying any comments (aside from spam that is).

So please, leave me any comments on any of my work. I welcome them all. And and look forward to more posts in the near future. I’ll see you all soon.

Alexander J. Hicks

Tell Me How it Feels

Close your eyes and picture this
A loving smile, a tender kiss
Now tell me how it feels to fall
To hear life’s warning, to heed love’s call

A soft caress aside your face
Held in a kind and gentle embrace
Now tell me how it feels to dream
When the loneliness inside you screams.

A single tear on delicate skin
Comes from somewhere deep within
Now tell me how it feels to cry
Without the strength inside to try.

A moan of pleasure, it feels so good
Making love as lovers should
Now tell me how it feels to lust
When you don’t have the will to trust.

A look of anger, boiling blood
Rage, a river, the coming flood.
I’ll tell you why it feels so great
To finally know what it’s like to hate.

©2015 Alexander J. Hicks

Play the Fool

Always shall I play the fool
You’ll see the surface, never through
My face hidden beneath the mask
That one day I hope to remove at last
And forever shall I hide myself.

To face the world with knuckles raised
Instead of hiding here  in the haze
That the winds of change had carried strong
Into this place that I don’t belong
A place where the liars cannot follow.

I want to trust, to remove this guise
To see the love in another’s eyes
But the scars from the blades
That were hidden with praise
Have shielded my sight from the truth.

The world is full of liars and thieves
Who take what they want and do as they please
But I will won’t succumb to their worthless ruse
Because behind this lie I’ve nothing to lose
And they can’t see through my mask.

So forever I shall play the fool
You see the surface, never through
Behind this mask I hide my face
Because in life, I’ve lost my place.
And forever I shall hide myself.

©2015 Alexander Hicks

Invisible

Sometimes I wish I was invisible
Then I could spy on my brother when he was with his friend
Or I could scare people by making objects float
I could be a pervert and sneak into the women’s changing room.

But mostly, because then I would look like how I feel.

Invisible.

©2015 Alexander J. Hicks

Liar

I look around and what falls within my sight is different
It’s darker here, not black, but darker.
There is still sun here
It’s just buried within dark ominous clouds

I’m not afraid of the dark though
I’ve been in the dark before
But this is different.

Because this time no one is there to help me out of it.
There’s no one reaching for my hand to pull me free
No one to help me up if I should fall.
I’m alone here – truly alone.

In some ways I expected it.
To be betrayed by the ones I trusted
Because it’s happened so many times in the past.
But it hurts more this time.
The knife went deeper.

Do you remember what you said to me?
“You walk this path alone
but your friends are still there with you.
If you turn around we won’t be gone”

But when I turned around…
You were gone.
All of you…are gone.

You lied to me. You lied.

To be fair…I lied as well.
Because I told you that I trusted you
But how could I?
When all my life all I’ve heard is lies?
Lies and excuses.
Why should you be any different?

You’re a liar. Just like the rest of them.

But it’s okay…
So am I.

The Rising Ire

It’s beautiful really, don’t you think?
The red that fills your eyes.
The rage replacing rationality
The one that’s sick of lies.

The rising ire from betrayal
With the knife still in your back
The blade that sits and numbs the flesh
The ropes that hold you to the rack

You try to fight it with naught but reason
But it defies your rationality
It fills you with a dark desire
and it disputes your reality

The knife is there you can’t refute
In your back the cold of steel
Radiates into your core
And anger is all you feel.

Give in to passionate beast
The indignation in your heart
The monster lurks inside of you
Let it tear you apart.

©2015 Alexander J. Hicks

It Will Not Scar My Heart

 
Where does the sunshine end and the dark of night begin?
When does the joy inside oneself give way to the dark within?
Where does the path of love give leave and the world falls away?
Where sunshine ends and night begins to engulf the light of day.
 
I dance the only dance I know, the one that stems the pain;
and step by step I move and sway, and hope it stops the rain.
But at every move and every turn the thunder sounds a drum
and reminds me of the life I live and that I cannot run.
 
Once upon a time I stepped to a rhythm of my own.
To a harmony and melody that I one time had grown;
and to that beat I danced and danced and quelled the little fears
that grew and grew and danced with me and with them grew my tears.
 
Until one day it hit me like the calm before the storm,
that on my mind the little fears had beaten, grabbed and torn.
Until the thoughts to which I stepped had began to bleed
and the little thoughts – anxieties – on them began to feed
 
My dance began to lose its fire, it’s passion, warmth, and zeal;
And the fears that ripped ferociously, began to feel so real
No longer could I dance and sway, to hide all that I felt,
with all my calm collected thoughts, my walls began to melt.
 
The rain it burned like acid and the thunder shook my core,
and although I tried to carry on, I knew that I could dance no more.
Beneath the weight of my own thoughts, I dropped down to my knees
and let the tears fall from my eyes as the ground began to freeze.
 
But just when I had given up, I saw a glimmer through the haze
A little spark, a light of hope, from my knees I began to raise
and the more I looked upon the light, the bigger it would grow
but the more I moved towards it, the further it would go.
 
When I stopped it did the same, but brighter still it grew
as it did I felt more and more that I would make it through.
Slowly I began to dance, to step and sway once more
despite the wind and driving rain, I’d never felt like this before.
 
Now I know that although strong, there is more here than the rain,
and as the light grows brighter I know that I can do the same
Although the storm has raged so long and left parts of me scarred
No matter how much it may try, it will not scar my heart.
 
©2015 Alex Hicks

It’s A Different Kind of Love

There is something we tell people all the time. People who are down or hurt, out of luck, or people who have trouble seeing that the way out is there, you just have to open your eyes. Something I’ve told myself a million times. And something I still believe…in part.

“You need to be happy by yourself to be happy in a relationship.”

I don’t really think it’s that simple. It has it’s merits – it’s portion of the truth – being happy by yourself isn’t something you can shake a stick at. But there’s more to that then what’s on the surface.

We have so many different kinds of love: love for yourself, love for friends, for best friends, for family, for animals, for foods, for objects – so many different kinds.

An intimate relationship offers something that other kinds of happiness cannot. A certain kind of love that you won’t find anywhere else. And sure, maybe some people don’t need that kind of love to be at their happiest. But maybe some people (like me) do. Maybe, some people can’t be the happiest they could possibly be without knowing that someone shares that intimate love with  them. Knowing that you love someone, more than anything else on the planet – someone who isn’t yourself – and that they feel the same way about you.

It’s not a feeling of dependency, not a case of low self-esteem. You can love yourself – but it’s not the same feeling as knowing someone else loves you. It’s a different kind of love.

I think that this level of intimate love is above all of that. It’s a feeling you can’t get anywhere else, no matter how hard you try.

And maybe some of us can’t reach our full potential of happiness without having that kind of love included in our lives. Maybe we just reach a certain level of happiness, and plateau – leaving us knowing that there’s more – and leaving us searching for it.

So while there is some truth to saying “You need to be happy alone to be happy in a relationship” I don’t really think it’s that simple.

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Think of it like climbing a mountain.

At the very peak of the mountain – hidden by the clouds – is where you are the happiest that you will ever be. Sure, some people can make it there alone. But what I’m saying is this:

Maybe some of us can only make it to that peak with that certain kind of intimate love with us. Together with that person who shares it with us. We have all the gear to keep climbing. and we know the peak’s not far away, but still we are stuck here. Looking for that specific kind of love.

Until we find it, we stand on this plateau. Searching for it.

And it’s not a bad thing that we get stuck on that plateau, it’s a good thing. It’s almost like we choose to be stuck there. Because we know that there are others like us. Who feel that it would be a hollow victory for us to reach that peak alone. To have no one to share the victory with. To not have someone to share that level of love and passion with.

We know that there is more, we can see where the mountain disappears into the clouds. We know there’s more up there. More mountain – more happiness.

Maybe we just can’t reach it alone – or maybe we don’t want to.

My deepest desire is to climb the rest of that mountain with the person I choose to share my life with; the person who chooses to share their life with me.

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I used to say – I used to believe – that a relationship wasn’t about depending on one another. That it was about being independent – together.

But in a way…I was wrong.

It’s not about being dependent or independent.
It’s not about friendship or reliance.
It’s not about compassion or empathy.

It’s about knowing that when you need to you can be dependent on them – and they on you. It’s about having a level of empathy with someone that you share with no one else. It’s about friendship and reliance on each other not matter the cost. It’s about compassion for one person that shines infinitely brighter than it does for anyone else.  It’s about love. A kind of love you can’t get anywhere else.

I will never reach the peak of that mountain alone. It’s not that I couldn’t – I’m sure I could if I tried.

But I don’t want to. So I won’t. There’s someone out there looking for me. Just as I am looking for them. And when we find each other, by the glow of the moon, we will climb that mountain together.

Asleep

Asleep is my favourite place to be.
It’s peaceful, almost happy
Because I’m not alone there.
 
It’s arriving and leaving
that poses a challenge.
 
When I lay down to sleep
I whisper “goodnight” to my window
And I hope that someone hears.
 
And when the sun peeks from beyond the water’s edge
I whisper “goodmorning” to my window
And I hope that someone hears.
 
And yet, I hear nothing.
 
A wisp of sadness leaves my lungs
on the wings of a sigh.
and my legs surrender to the weight of my words
and I fall back onto my bed.
 
15 more minutes…then I’ll try again.
 
©2015 Alex Hicks