Betrayers of the heart, contempt
Each a monster in their own respect
To twist and turn the bloody knife
Ready to plunge it in your back
After you help them reach their goals
You get stepped on so they can climb
Earning the name of the traitor
Regret will be their downfall
©2014 Alex Hicks
Found beaten and left for dead
Once great, I had fallen
Rage filled me, anger fueled me
Generating hatred towards the world
I realized that I need to stop the
Vain thoughts of revenge
Eventually we must forgive
Never act on vengeful thoughts
Else be faced with the sad truth
Sorrow awaits the vengeful and
Solitude awaits the betrayer
Originally posted on A Shade Of Pen:
She stood there endlessly, waiting for long
She knew that something was wrong
Her silly heart cried a little too hard
Slowly slipped down her guard
She fell with a loud thud
The earth shook
And even then
Something did move
The end isn’t really the end
Something is always ready to begin
The broken bleeding heart too learns to live
And one day, the endless cycle will yet again repeat
View original 33 more words
I’ve been betrayed so many times I lost track
Felt the cold knife getting lodged in my back
But it doesn’t deter me, I won’t slow down
I just hope that the world won’t see me fall down.
I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to be sad
I want to be happy with the life that I have
But my friends and my family, they all know the words
That take all of my pain and just make it worse
I know they don’t mean to, with “I know how you feel”
But they don’t really know, this pain is too real
So I smile and thank them, for misguided advice
After all I cannot blame them, they’re just being nice.
But if I can’t take their words to heart
Then to stop this pain where do I start
What began once as heartbreak has grown to something more
What do I want with life? What do I fight for?
I fight for the right to fight for the words
That give each of us wings so we can take off like birds
For the graves of the many who have died for the fight
Who at one point did fight for this very right
I fight for the passion in every word on the page
All the beauty, the sadness, the fear and the rage
For the wonders of first loves, first kisses, first times
For the natural beauty the sun brings when it shines
That’s why I fight, what about you?
Do you fight for your loved ones in all that you do?
Or do you fight for yourself, lest you rest well at night
I’m asking you, tell me, why do you fight?
©Alex Hicks 2014
Can I forever run away?
No, I’ll get you in time.
I can’t let them see me this way.
But they all see you’re mine.
I want to break free from the beast
But I’ve bound your hope in chains
I want freedom, love and peace
But you’ll fall to me, insane.
I want to break the ties that bind
But they’re stronger than you see
To look to light, answers to find
And you’ll always fall to me.
I can’t see the one who holds me down
But I’m always by your side
I can’t hear the creature not a sound
Your own anger leaves you blind
I just want the voice to stop
But It will not for we are one
In every action, every thought
Until our final setting sun.
©2014 Alex Hicks
This is the first time that I’ve written with David Ellis over at TooFullToWrite. I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed writing this one as he is an expert at artistic expression and amazing at creating flow and emotion as well. I hope to write more with him in the future, so go over to his blog and follow him. Enjoy!
A carnival for the soul, rampant silhouette of distortion
Glass shatters, razor sharp, mercilessly unforgiving
Tarnished to within an inch of life’s sacred essence
Misleading impressions, imposters full of indifference
Simple shattered memories, like a broken picture frame
A reflection of the past relived, a reflection of the shame
The lies we only tell ourselves, to ease the mighty blow
Life’s cruel twisted, torturous fate that we’ve all come to know
Love’s tender kiss cuts, echoing through onion skin layers
Fragile sea of ecstasy, illuminating strangers tiptoeing before us
What kind of creature will be conjured up today in this barren house?
Vanity vacuously, viciously, plays its deadly game of cat and mouse
One must question reality, as the eyes of thousands watch
The ears they listen closely, but they don’t hear very much
As waves and waves of strangers words crash upon the shore
If they succeeded or they failed, doesn’t matter anymore
Smoke hides what’s inside only for so long before it dissipates
Foggy veils now lift, delicately expose, frustrate then intimidate
To become comfortable in one’s skin can often take the course of a lifetime
Accept yourself and your perfect flaws then the mirror will no longer be a burden
The monsters we keep from ourselves that in our minds reside
Will ease their torment, fade to black, and vanish over time
The voices of the thousands, that echo each and every day
Will slowly lose their meaning with every word they say
Until nothing is left but the purest clarity
Radiating and driving forth in its singularity
Allowing us to be triumphant in the face of adversity
As we ultimately muse on forgotten misconstrued inadequacy
©2014 Alex Hicks and David Ellis
Thank you for reading! Again, be sure to head over to his blog and follow him.
I had a dream last night. It took me to a place where I go every so often to get away from it all. From all the anxiety and stress, from the torment and the hate, from everything. It always looks the same:
A beautiful river about 250 meters across, with a wide concrete beam bridge spanning it. On either side of the river, wooden docks float with the tide along thick concrete abutments. On the far side of the river, I see a town. Trees look like paint brushes painting the blue into the sky, houses look like models nestled into the green luxurious landscape.
Jutting into the sky on my side of the river is a carnival. A ferris wheels, a roller coaster and various other rides shoot up like towers. Lights flash and buzzers ding and whirl, the sounds of people winning (and losing) at the various prize booths. Screams echo as the cars on the roller coaster drop down another hill, inside a tent a circus master stands on an elephant trumpets triumphantly. Everything is painted in bright hues of greens and reds and yellows, even the entertainers are colourful some in baggy clown suits with huge red shoes and big floppy bows and flowers, and some of the workers in the booths wearing colourful striped top hats. In the river beside the carnival there are lots of river boats. They too, are bustling with activity, colours and lights; probably part of the carnival I figure.
I sit looking up the river. On my left is the river and across it the beautiful, tranquil landscape and to my right sits the flashing lights and bright colors of the carnival. Behind me sits the beam bridge bustling with people and cars crossing to and from the carnival. Yet here I sit. I always just sit. I’m happy there, at peace; I can stare at the beautiful sights around me, and feel at rest with the world; nothing can phase me.
That’s the place I usually go. I usually just walk around, play a few carnival games, talk to some of the workers, then wake up. But this time…this time was different:
This time I stood inside one of the carnival buildings. Abandoned shop walls lined the sides of each of the three floors. Stuffed animals falling apart hanging from prize racks. Bright colors all faded and tinted with grays from old age.
On the opposite side of the building I could hear music; classical music. I approached it only to see a crowd of people dressed in ragged and torn up clothing. Some of them sitting on the ground smiling and laughing and some of them dancing. Not dancing to the rhythm of the music, just dancing. Like they were listening to their own music in their head, or that they were hearing different music than what I was hearing. It was apparent to me that they were homeless, all ages, but mostly teenagers and young adults.
I moved up to the second floor where I saw more people. Not happy people, but sad people. There weren’t very many of them, and they were all walking around. Just pacing around the floor, stepping over or around obstacles, some of them wringing their hands together and others biting their lips and staring at the floor. I started walking with them too. I was wringing my hands in front of me and biting my lower lip as I looked around at all the lost people here.
That was it; this must be where the lost people go.
One of them approached me and without stopping he asked me why I was here. I nodded a hello at him and said “I don’t know” to which he responded with “me either” then just appeared to fade from my sight. I stopped and watched as he just faded into nothing while he was walking. It didn’t even appear to phase him. He was just gone.
I decided to leave the building. I walked down the stairs and the music had stopped and the people were gone. I walked past one person on my way out of the building and we nodded hello to one another, but never exchanged words. Outside, it looked a lot like it had inside.
Mini-game booths stood (for the most part) ragged torn and falling apart, the ground was littered with napkins and faded tickets. Trash cans had been tipped over, their contents spread on the ground around them. A couple boats still stood in the river, but most of them were on their sides resting against the chipped and worn concrete abutments. The river looked dark, almost black and a heavy fog sat around the carnival. I could make out the shape of the bridge in the distance, what was left of it anyway. A section appeared to have collapsed in the center leaving two concrete ends and the corner of a large chunk sticking out of the darkened water. I couldn’t see the other side of the river.
Then I saw it. The bench where I usually sat was in pieces. Splinters of wood and chunks of concrete scattered on the ground.
I turned around to see a man in an orange vest walking off of a pier where there was some rusty scaffolding. I called out to him with a “hey! do you work here?” he walked over to me and leaned on a short wall beside him. “Yeah” he said, his voice was heavy with a Boston accent.
“How long has it been like this?” I asked him looking at the worn and decrepit carnival around me. “I remember it being so beautiful here.”
“Beautiful?” He replied raising an eyebrow “Naw, it’s always been like this.”
It’s always been like this…
That’s when my alarm woke me up.
I believe that dreams have deeper psychological meaning than we usually give them, and I get the feeling that this one relates to recent events in my life. When I woke up, I was initially sad about it, but then I was angry. Angry that the happy, upbeat place that I loved so much had turned into such a depressing, morose dark place.
I think I realized why it appeared the way it did. Your mind creates your dreams from things you see and hear in your life; even if you don’t think you remember it. My mind created the life-filled colorful carnival by mashing together things I’ve seen in my life.
My mind created my happy place, and my mind could tear it down; and it did.
But what emotion could cause my subconscious mind to destroy something that had been so beautiful? Anger and anxiety. But anger? I haven’t been angry in a long time…ah…that’s the problem.
I realize now, that over the past 3 years there has been plenty that should have made me angry. What I thought was me not getting angry, was actually me not letting myself feel angry and internalizing everything. This dream made me realize that by internalizing my anger, I am slowly destroying myself. I’m letting my subconscious mind tear down the things that I’ve tried to hard for so long to build.
It’s time to let the anger go. I’m going to write down everything I can think of that should have made me angry in the past year. Then I’m going to bury it as deep as I can.
It’s time I let the anger go…
It’s time I move on.
I’m going to do a series of posts that won’t be poems. A sort of writing project. A series of thoughts. And I’m inviting all of you to take a look in my brain and take from it what you will. I don’t know how many parts this will be, but this is the first one.
Two weeks ago…my
girlfriend ex-girlfriend broke up with me. Initially, I said we broke up, that it was a mutual decision. I’ve read articles on how to get through a breakup, and now I realize that it wasn’t mutual. She broke up with me, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can change myself and move on.
Some of my friends suggested trying to get her back…to chase after her. I won’t do that though.
Because. Because, I want to move on more than I want her back. These past two weeks I’ve felt my heart pulling me to chase her, and my mind knocking me on my ass. One pulls one way, the other pulls another. Tearing me apart. Clean in two.
And it hurt.
It hurt like hell.
But I want to move on.
Work has been a nice break…a break from the emotions, from the pain of the loss, from my heart and brain splitting me down the middle…a nice break…a clean break.
I have to look back. Before I was old enough to be interested in girls. Back when girls were “gross”. I didn’t hate myself then, not like I do now. I was confident, and full of myself. Foolish, and filled with pride. Then I grew up, and the world changed.
School said they could teach it, Parents said they had lived it, but I knew kids that had more happen in their lives than my parents ever did in theirs. So had they really lived real life? The answer is no. No one has lived my life, and no one but me ever will.
Love is one of those things that no one can live without. Everyone has to have it in some way or another. Whether it is from themselves or if it is from someone else, everyone needs love.
In one way or another…
And 2 weeks ago when She broke up with me, I felt like that was gone. People keep asking me if I’m okay and I say I’m fine. I’m better than before but I’m not okay; not yet anyway.
“I can handle this” means “please help me” and no one seems to notice. So I drown myself in my work. The only thing that keeps me sane, keeps me safe from the call of the void.
Oh trust me, if I could save myself from drowning, I would; but right now I can’t. right now I’m drowning in this ocean of emotions and I can’t even see the water. I’m too caught up in staring at the darkness in my own heart…the darkness that’s taking the place where love had once filled. The hole that people look through and see their own monsters.
Ambitions drowned by fears, love replaced by darkness, happiness and its twisted smile. Its treacherous grin.
I know that right now, I’m not okay. Right now the dark surrounds me. But it won’t be there forever…it can’t be there forever. Until the day when the light returns to where love once sat in my heart, the place where darkness right now sits, I’ll keep running.
Running from the emotions, running from the monsters, running from the darkness, running from the pain and running from myself.
Running from myself.
But I know I will be okay. Some days are harder than others, and some days I’m filled with energy and life. Someday, I’ll escape the feeling of emptiness and truly move on with my life, and when that day comes, I’ll be ready for a relationship.
This is written by myself and Hastywords I’ve done a lot of writing with her in the past and she remains to be an amazing poet and friend. Go check out her blog!
How do I overcome
This pain of a broken heart
How do I fix myself
I don’t know where to start
I feel overwhelmed
Disabled inside this emptiness
You left me hollow and numb
Inside a suffocating loneliness
Do I embrace the dark surrounding me?
Let it comfort me with its touch.
Or do I build my walls and shut it out?
Like the pain that hurts so much.
They say breathing is all it takes
To survive this painful dark
Lungs on fire, fighting my will
Oxygen struggling to leave its mark
So long bound by chains of passion
Only to be freed and bound again
By this pain of isolation
By the pains I hold within
I will sit alone in this dark
Become accustomed to its silence
Then perhaps someday
I’ll peer beyond its shadows
To the place where stars shone bright as suns
Where the sunlight filled my eyes
In my world where everything was right
beyond the truth and lies.
©2014 Alex Hicks and Hastywords
Some days waking up
Is the hardest thing I do
I’ve spend days now wide awake
Thinking of only you
Thinking of where I went wrong
Of how I screwed things up
Thinking on how much
It hurt just giving up.
And I wish that I could stay asleep
Because in dreams we’re still together
But it’s always interrupted
Because I know you’re gone forever
And I wish I could have fixed things
And that you had given me a chance
To repair the trust that I betrayed
To dance that twisted dance.
I know that one day I’ll be fine
That I’ll move on and live my life
But for now all I feel is misery
Amidst the pain, the hurt, and strife.
This broken hearted memory
Will haunt me for the time
Of what we had and what we lost
But someday I’ll be fine.
And that’s the hardest part.
©2013 Alex Hicks